By Daddy
Preface
[DADDY has just told DYLAN the story of the three little pigs]
DYLAN: I have a book with that story!
DADDY: Yes, that story is in a lot of books, and there’s lots of ways to tell it.
DYLAN: Tell it with a giant! And a wolf! And Jack!
DADDY: Hm. That’s a tricky one. Okay, let’s see what we can come up with
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jack. One day, while he was on his way to find a beanstalk, he met his friends, the three little pigs. “What are you little pigs doing?” he asked
The first little pig, who was a tremendous boar, said, “(Oink!) We’re going to build some houses.”
And so Jack said, “That sounds like a lot of work.”
The first little pig said, “Maybe for my brothers, but I’ve got this fine bale of straw, and I’m going to build my house out of it, and it won’t take any time at all.”
Jack thought about this for a moment, and he said, “A house of straw sounds like it would be very pretty and very cozy, but aren’t you worried that it might fall down if you were attacked by a giant, or perhaps by a big bad wolf?”
But the first little pig just laughed and laughed, and he said, “I don’t think that sounds very likely.”
So Jack wished the first little pig well, and he went over to the second little pig. Now, the second little pig was an even greater boar. And Jack asked him, “Are you building a house as well? That sounds like a lot of work.”
And the second little pig said, “(Oink) Maybe for my brother, but I’ve got this fine bundle of sticks, and I’m going to build my house out of it. Any maybe it will take a little longer than if I were building it out of straw, but it’ll be such a very much grander house for it.”
Jack asked, “Well a house of sticks does sound very grand, but aren’t you worried that it might fall down if you were attacked by a giant, or perhaps by a big bad wolf?”
But the second little pig just laughed and laughed, and he said, “I don’t think that sounds very likely.”
So Jack wished the second little pig well, and he went over to the third little pig. The third little pig was the greatest boar of all, and he was struggling with a big cart full of bricks. “Oh my,” Jack said, “I suppose you’re going to build your house out of bricks. That sounds like a lot of work.”
The third little pig said, “(Oink) Yes it is. But I want a house that will be strong enough that I won’t have to worry even if it were picked up and dropped by a giant.”
Jack thought about that. “Do you think that sounds very likely?” he asked.
“You never know,” said the third little pig.
Jack wished the third little pig well, and set out on his way to find fun adventures. And some time later, Jack came by the house of the first little pig. And it was a lovely house, all warm and dry and a very pretty shade of straw. Jack knocked on the door and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.”
A voice from inside the house said, “(Oink) Are you a wolf?”
Jack answered, “No, I’m Jack.”
“(Oink) Oh, okay then,” said the first little pig, and he invited Jack in for tea and biscuits for lunch.
But while they were eating lunch, there was another knock on the door, and a loud voice from outside said, “Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll have his bones to grind my bread!”
The first little pig looked out between some of the straw in the door and said, “It’s a giant!”
“Oh dear,” said Jack, rather sheepishly. “You see, there was this beanstalk, and this goose…”
But before Jack could tell his story, the giant said, “I’m looking for the little boy named Jack! You’d better let me in!”
And the first little pig said, “Go away! We don’t want any!”
“Oh yeah?” said the giant. “Well, look what I’ve got in my pocket!” and he reached in his pocket and he took out a wolf. A big wolf. And since the wolf lived in the giant’s pocket, we can reasonably assume he was also a bad wolf. “Okay wolf,” said the giant, “Do your thing.”
Now the wolf was in the mood for bacon, so he said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.”
But the pig, who was perfectly happy to serve lunch, did not much want to be lunch, so he said, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
So the wolf said, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll BLOW your house in!”
And he huffed.
And he puffed.
And he BLEW.
And down came the house of straw! And poor Jack, all covered in straw, had to run all the way to the second little pig’s house as fast as his legs could carry him. When he got to the house of sticks, he knocked on the door and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
A voice from inside the house said, “(Oink) Are you a wolf?”
Jack answered, “No, I’m Jack.”
“(Oink) Oh, okay then,” said the second little pig, and he invited Jack in for lunch. He offered him a bowl of honey, which had been a house-warming present from a bear who was friends with the second little pig’s cousin.
“You seem to be all covered in straw,” the second little pig said.
And Jack picked up the straw and put it in his pockets, and he said, “Yes. About that. I may have some bad news about your brother’s house. See, there was this giant, and this wolf…”
But before Jack could tell his story, there was another knock on the door, and a loud voice from outside said, “Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll have his bones to grind my bread!”
The second little pig looked out between some of the sticks in the door and said, “It’s a giant! With a suspiciously wolf-shaped bulge in his pocket!”
“Oh dear,” said Jack. “You see there was this harp and these beans…”
And the giant said, “I’m looking for the little boy named Jack! You’d better let me in!”
The second little pig said, “Go away! We don’t want any!”
“Oh yeah?” said the giant. “Well, look what I’ve got in my pocket!” and he reached in his pocket and he took out the big bad wolf. “Okay wolf,” said the giant, “Do your thing.”
Now, the wolf was dreaming about pork chops, so he said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.”
But the pig, who was a strict vegetarian, said, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
So the wolf said, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll BLOW your house in!”
And he huffed.
And he puffed.
And he BLEW.
And down came the house of sticks! And poor Jack, with his bowl of honey still in his hand, had to run all the way to the third little pig’s house as fast as his legs could carry him. When he got to the house of brick, he knocked on the door and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
A voice from inside the house said, “(Oink) Are you a wolf?”
And Jack said, “No.”
Then, in a slightly suspicious tone, the voice said, “(Oink) How about a giant?”
And Jack said, “No, I’m Jack.”
“Do you think you could call back tomorrow?” asked the voice. “For you see I’ve only just finished building this house of bricks, and I far too tired to make lunch. Maybe you could go visit my brothers instead?”
“About your brothers,” Jack said, “There was this giant. And this wolf.”
“I see,” said the third little pig, and he opened the door. “I suspected as much. You’d better come in.”
So Jack came in. But before Jack could tell his story, there was another knock on the door, and a loud voice from outside said, “Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman! Be he alive, or be he dead, I’ll have his bones to grind my bread!”
The third little pig looked out through the peep-hole in the door and said, “It’s a giant! With a bulge in his pocket shaped suspiciously like a very fat wolf!”
“Oh dear,” said Jack. “You see, there was this castle, and this golden egg…”
“I suppose you’re looking for the little boy named Jack,” the third little pig said to the giant. “Well I suppose you can have him if you like.”
By this point, though, the wolf was dreaming of glazed hams, and he hopped down out of the giant’s pocket without even waiting to be asked, and he said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.”
But the third little pig, who had spent all day working on his house, was in no mood to provide a meal as well, so he said, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!”
So the wolf said, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll BLOW your house in!”
And he huffed.
And he puffed.
And he BLEW.
And he blew some more.
And he blew some more after that.
And then he had to go lie down for a little while because all that blowing was too much for a wolf suffering from high cholesterol due to a diet rich in pork products.
Now the giant was very angry, so he reached down and he picked up the house of bricks and he shook it. Fortunately for Jack and the third little pig, the house of bricks was very strong and stayed in one piece no matter how hard the giant shook it.
“What are we going to do now?” asked the third little pig. “I put in all this work on my fine little house and now a giant is waving it all around in the air!”
“I know!” said Jack. “I’ve got some straw in my pockets. We could use it to set the house on fire and burn the giant.”
The third little pig was not impressed. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea. For one thing, having my house burned up is not much better than having a giant wave it around. For another thing, we would get all burned up too.”
“That is a fine point,” said Jack.
“Oh!” said the third little pig, “But I have an idea. I have a spinning wheel!”
“I don’t think a spinning wheel is much use against a giant,” Jack said.
“This is a magic spinning wheel,” explained the pig. “It was a house-warming gift from a little man I know whose name I can’t remember. He said it could spin straw into gold.”
“But I’ve already got plenty of gold,” Jack said. “See, there was this goose…”
“Shh!” said the pig. “I think if it can spin straw into gold, it can’t be too much harder to spin straw into yarn.”
So they tried it, and before long, they had turned all of Jack’s straw into yarn. So when the giant wasn’t looking, he slipped down the giant’s sleeve and all the way to the ground. And when he got there, he used the yarn to tie the giant’s legs together. Then he climbed quietly back up to the house of the third little pig. “What should we do now?” Jack asked.
“I don’t know,” said the pig. “I came up with the first part of the plan. Now it’s your turn.”
Jack thought and thought, and then he remembered the bowl of honey. So when the giant wasn’t looking, he slipped up the giant’s sleeve and climbed up to the very top of the giant’s head. And he poured the honey all over the giant’s hair, then he climbed quietly back down to the house of the third little pig.
Now, as you know, flies like honey. I mean, they like other things as well, but for the purposes of our story, it’s mostly important that they like honey. And before long, there were flies flying all over the giant’s head, and it made him so itchy that he got very angry. He shouted, “Fee Fi Fo Fum!” and “Shoo Fly!” but the flies kept coming. Finally, the giant got so angry that he put down the house of bricks and picked up a big rock and tried to hit the flies.
He hit the flies.
But because the flies were on his head, he also hit his head.
And because he had been very angry, he had hit very hard.
And the giant got very dizzy. And he tried to take a step to steady himself.
But, of course, the giant’s legs were tied together.
So the giant lost his balance, and he fell. On the wolf. And he landed with a crash so loud that it was heard all across the land. And that was the end of the giant. And also the end of the wolf.
And Jack and the third little pig lived happily ever after.