Category: Tales From /lost+found

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I’ve had to keep hacking my mythtv every version for about eight years now to keep the only theme I like working.

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Continue reading Tales from /lost+found 10: All my pursuits are trivial

You can call it a screwdriver all you want, but I’d be cautious playing with it outside unless you paint it orange first.

It is a well-known tradition in Doctor Who fandom prior to 2009 that the immediate reaction to any new piece of media must be outrage and disappointment expressed in the form of a lengthy, poorly-researched rant, preferably one packed with misinformation, wild speculation passed off as fact, and casual misogyny and/or homophobia.

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Doctor Who: The Last Time Lord

a review by J. R. Vincent

Originally Published 27 May 1996

In the long and glorious history of Doctor Who, the programme had rarely if ever contradicted itself. There were momentary aberrations, of course, such as the three destructions of Atlantis, but these are by and large easily explained. The much-loved Virgin New Adventures owe much of their success to the care with which the details of the rich continuity of Doctor Who were preserved. But now in one fell swoop, this long and august tradition has come to nought with The Last Time Lord, or as it should perhaps be called, The Last of Continuity!

In the interest of fairness, we should perhaps start by considering the programme through the eyes of someone who knows little of Doctor Who‘s rich past. The set designs, costumes and visual effects are quite effective and polished, as one would well expect from the Yanks, and admittedly none could fault the performances of Hugh Laurie, Peter O’Toole, or this Harden bird. The story is fair. But for a story which draws its inspiration quite clearly from City of Death, it rings hollow and inadequate, a poor imitation.

Now, let us look at this telefilm as Doctor Who viewers. The following is not only my view, but the view, I think, of most enthusiasts of the programme. And on this level, The Last Time Lord is far worse than we had feared when it was announced that the Americans would get their hands on our beloved cultural institution.

From its very title, it immediately becomes clear that we are in substantial trouble. On the most simple level, the title completely spoils the plot, as it is clear even from the advertisements that the major “twist” of the story is that the Doctor’s race has been defeated and he is the sole survivor. On a simple dramatic level, this renders the story’s single most important plot element utterly transparent rather than a shocking reveal. Compare this with, for example, serial WWW, whose first episode aired under a false title, changing to Invasion of the Dinosaurs only for the subsequent episodes, once the dramatic reveal had been made.

To add insult to injury, the telefilm does not even have the decency to place this revelatory title up-front, instead using the terrible American cliche of the “cold open”.  What point is there in placing a scene before the opening title sequence? The entire purpose of a title sequence is to let the viewer know what show they are watching. Instead, the viewer must sit through three minutes of Marcia Gay Harden wasting our time doing a medical investigation first.

But even ignoring all this, the whole conceit is utterly laughable. What enemy could possibly defeat the Time Lords? Who could even think to wage war on them? It was established utterly in The Invasion of Time that Gallifrey is impervious behind its transduction barriers. With weapons like the demat gun or the ability to lock away entire planets in time-loops, as seen in Image of the Fendahl and The War Games, what enemy could possibly even engage them in battle, to say nothing of waging such a complete genocide against them? Indeed, even if such an enemy did exist, it is impossible to imagine that the rest of the universe would survive unscathed. Surely a race that could conquer the Time Lords would have no problem going on to enslave Earth and every other planet in the universe. No, the destruction of the Time Lords here is nothing more than an obvious attempt to make the Doctor more palatable to Americans by giving him a backstory similar to Superman. Next, they’ll propose that he can fly!

Then of course there is the matter of the new TARDIS interior. All part of the rubbishing of the Time Lords, I suppose. The Type 40 TT capsule is meant to be a technological marvel beyond the imaginings of most species. Yet here it looks like some kind of Gothic cathedral. Where are the roundels? Where are the computer monitors and screens? Why does it look to be cobbled together from bits of clockwork? It should be full of bright lights and gleaming control panels, not look like it was thrown together in some Victorian’s study.

And what is this nonsense about the Doctor’s father? Where has there ever been the slightest indication in the programme that Time Lords have fathers, or indeed family of any kind? The only possibility I can imagine is that this is an attempt to placate feeble-minded American audiences who would demand the Doctor shag his assistants. The far more creative and canonical fact that Time Lords are woven in genetic looms would of course mean that the Doctor is sterile and therefore could not possibly have the desire or ability to commit bestiality with a lowly human.

In addition, the laws of time as presented in this story are utter rubbish. It has been an inviolable rule since the sixth serial that, “You can’t change history, not one word of it!” How then could anyone with any knowledge of Doctor Who contrive a plot whose climax involves the Doctor, one of the lords of time, themselves charged with protecting the absolute law of history, altering his own past? We know from The Time Meddler that if the past is changed, everyone’s memories of it change instantly as well. We might perhaps grant that his Time Lord powers might protect The Doctor from this, but how do you explain Kelly retaining her own memories? Likewise, if Gallifrey was “deleted from every moment in space and time,” how can the Doctor possibly still exist? How can the Jagaroth know of them? Nonsense!

There are other problems as well, less central to the story but no less damning. The return of the Jagaroth, of course, completely contradicts their extinction in City of Death. And how could the Doctor of all people forget that the Time Destructor is a weapon of Dalek origin? Though it would clearly be within their power to do so, no one could imagine that the Time Lords would ever build such a weapon themselves.

As a story, The Last Time Lord is just not worth considering. The reports of its high ratings in its first airing are surely proof positive that it is targeted to the basest and most American of audiences, who care more about Porta-Loo jokes than a programme with a long and noble history. I am confident that when BARB releases the audience appreciation index for the BBC airing, our more discerning viewers will prove the American telefilm as the travesty that it is.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE MAGIC OF DOCTOR WHO?

Editor’s note: The Broadcaster’s Audience Research Board later reported an AI score of 89% for Doctor Who: The Last Time Lord.

Let me be clear here. My purpose is not to suggest that this reality is better than our own. In many ways, it is worse. In many respects, this universe is the end result of a million little answers to the question, “What’s the most ridiculous thing to happen here that isn’t quite completely outside the realm of plausibility?”

In other ways, of course, it is exactly the same as the real world. For example, USENET.

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From odysseus@nospam.test.com Thu Sep  4 16:40:04 GMT 2003
Article: 128485 of rec.arts.drwho
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Subject: Re: REVIEW ''Doctor Who and the Philadelphia Experiment'' (SPOILERS)
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theycallmemisterthedoctor@aol.coma (They Call Me MISTER The Doctor!) wrote in message news:<20030921143654.07482.00001524@mb-j32.aol.com>:
>pete.DELETEME.gilgamesh@stop-spam.org (Pete Gilgamesh) wrote in message news:<3e2a657c.090110746.hsq456@posting.google.com>:
>>
>> I'll admit, as much as I've complained in the past about the Flamel episodes, I'm sorry to
>> see him go. Sam Neill brings a lot to the part and it was a major coup getting him to
>> come back one last time. All the same, gah, I hate these episode titles. The SHOW is
>> named DOCTOR WHO. Why would anyone think it was funny to put it in the episode title too?
>
> LOL TOO TRUE MATE. IT IS A JOKE BECAUSE THE FIRST ONE WAS CALLED DOCTOR WHO AND THE
> PHILOSOPHERS STONE AFTER THE HARRY POTTER NOVEL.
>

You see! That's everything that's wrong with this programme these days! REAL Doctor Who
never had to pander to stupid Yank audiences by giving episodes cutesy titles!

>> And is it just me, or was Flamel kind of flirting with the Doctor during the sequence in
>> the engine room? I wonder if he would have pulled that with the old Doctor. Good on them
>> for giving the fans what they've been asking for even if they're one Doctor too late.
>
> GAH NO THANK YOU FAR TOO CONTROVERCIAL. WHAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING?

Dude. Tone down the homophobia. It's 2003. You should be ashamed of yourself.

>> It was nice to see Flamel and the Doctor on different sides this time. It really
>> harkened back to his first appearance back in Season 2.

Character assassination is what it was. If he could live through all those centuries of war
and plague and everything else, we're really supposed to believe that the NAZIs are
SO BAD that he'd decide to blow up the planet?

>> But I know what we all really want to talk about is that ending. Just who is this
>> one-eyed soldier character and how did he get into the TARDIS?
>
> THE DOCTOR SURE BIT OFF MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW WITH THIS ONE.
>>
>> It seems pretty clear who they want us to think he is: a past version of the Doctor
>> from some secret past he's disowned.

Yer right. Like they would hire David Hasslehoff to play The Doctor. He's from bloody Knight Rider for chrissakes.

> IT CANT BE THE DOCTOR BECAUSE THE DOCTOR WOULD NEVER CARRY A GUN

Too right. Even you cretins should be able to figure out who he is. He uses HIS
OWN KEY, walks in, points a gun at the Doctor and demands to know what they're doing
in HIS TARDIS. How many times has the Doctor said that his TARDIS was STOLEN.
Baywatch-boy must be the original owner. It will probably turn out that the TARDIS
has secret weapons systems that Knight Rider used to use to blow up planets and
now that The Doctor knows about them the Doctor can use them to fight the War
Lords.

>> Grr. It's going to be so hard to wait until november for the next episode.
>>
>> ---
>> Pete Gilgamesh
>> ''I've been living a lie. There's nothing inside.''
>
>+-----+-----+-----+------+
>They Call Me MISTER The Doctor!
>For God King and Country!
>+-----+-----+-----+------+
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--O

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Continue reading Tales from /lost+found 4: Discontinuity

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