"You despise me, don't you?" -- Ugarte
"I suppose if I ever gave you any thought I would." -- Rick Blaine
-- Casablanca

Misspent Youth: Kent Island Memories

What with the holiday and all, I don’t have time this week to do the background research for the scheduled article. So instead, another Special Article Day. This time, I’d like to try out some rambling about something more personal. I’d intended to go somewhere specific with this, but I got halfway through and decided it was better as a more philosophical meander. If you like this sort of thing, I’ll try to do more in the future.


Chesapeake Bay Bridge
It has been a quiet week on Kent Island, my home town. I guess. I don’t really know. But it’s pretty much always a quiet week on Kent Island. The Long & Foster at the Thompson Creek shopping center is running a Toys For Tots drive through December 18. Veteran’s Day events were held at the local middle school and two of the three local elementary schools, including the one which existed at the murky dawn of time when I was in elementary school.

My relationship with my home town is a little bit fraught. On paper, Kent Island sounds like it could be one of those neat old quirky backwards little communities full of local color, but anywhere can seem boring if you’re living in it unless you’re the right sort of person, which I wasn’t. Besides, I lived on the south side of the island, which put seven miles of residential neighborhoods and farmland between me and what passed for civilization, so all those fun adventures you hear about kids having in quirky backwards little communities were sort of off the table, since even the playground was about 40 minutes away by bike, if your mom even let you bike on the Big Road, which she really shouldn’t because it’s incredibly dangerous. The bike path that ran parallel wasn’t added until the 21st century. If you were a little older, of course, you could drive to town, where, I am told, the major pastime of young people was smoking backs of pick-up trucks in the parking lot of the Acme, the island’s only grocery store, located next to the island’s only fast food joint, a Hardee’s, and the island’s only pizza place, a Pizza Hut that was run by the family of the girl I went to prom with.

Kent Island was first seen by the early explorers of the Chesapeake bay in the 16th century, unless you count its discovery by the indigenous Matapeake tribe twelve thousand years earlier, which those intrepid 16th century explorers didn’t. In 1631, William Claiborne established the first permanent European settlement on the island, which he named for his own hometown of Kent, England. It was the first permanent settlement within the borders of the present-day state of Maryland, though (and this will get you extra credit in fifth grade social studies), not the first permanent settlement in Maryland (That’s St. Mary’s City, est. 1634): Kent Island was considered part of Virginia Colony until 1658, and Virginia didn’t give up its official claim to the island until the revolution. The original settlement no longer exists, on account of the ground it stood on no longer existing, on account of the island’s habit of occasionally losing bits around the edges to hurricanes.

Traditionally a farming and fishing community, the island became a transport hub in the middle of the nineteenth century with the building of a causeway and later a railroad bridge across the Kent Narrows (A tiny little waterway leading to the Eastern Bay, which makes Kent Island an actual Island, unlike the nearby and geographically similar peninsula of St. Michaels) to the Eastern Shore. Convenient to Baltimore and Annapolis by water, the town of Stevensville was founded in 1850 to serve as a steamboat terminus, displacing the older town of Broad Creek, now extinct. The unincorporated town of Stevensville is now the most populous Census Designated place in Queen Anne’s County. In my time, its official limits contained virtually all of the island’s commerce and retail. Beyond its official limits, its ZIP code, 21666, services the bulk of the island. The neighboring unincorporated town of Chester, 21219, seems like it’s where most of the commercial growth has been in the twenty-first century, the other side of the island being, y’know, full.

Kent Island, MD
Kindly ignore the horrorshow that is my thumbnail. I damaged my cuticle.

Viewed from the air, Kent Island vaguely resembles a crude, weathered drawing of a mittened right hand on its side, fingers pointed south. Stevensville proper occupies the end of the metacarpals, Chester the base of the thumb. I grew up somewhere along the second finger-joint.

My parents moved to Kent Island in February of 1979, part of the leading edge of a wave of migration touched off by the addition of a second span to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge in 1973. That wave would eventually see the island transformed into an exurb for the Baltimore-Washington corridor, but back when they moved, there were maybe nine houses on their quarter-mile street, which now has, I think, twenty-two. My parents didn’t have family or friends in the area, and aren’t especially outgoing to begin with, and I’m no better. Besides, they were city folk and not especially attuned to whatever excitement there was to be had with country living. The only really geographically grounded stuff I remember from my childhood was going for explores in the woods behind our house. Dad found a nineteenth century midden once. I found a little lea full of shrubs that looked like foot-tall Christmas trees. The woods are gone now, cut down for wood around the turn of the century. The scrub that replaced them went up in a 7-alarm fire back in 2012 and nearly burned my parents’ house down due to Kids These Days smoking pot back there during a drought.

Things from my childhood being gone is basically the story of going back to my home town now. I imagine it’s the same for everyone. I went off to college in 1997, and spent about nine more months living total over the course of the next four years until I bought my first home in 2001. Things had changed a great deal over the course of my life there, of course, but it had always felt predominantly constructive rather than destructive. The overpass on MD-8 that eliminated the traffic signal at US-50/301 and made it so that a trip to the grocery store during beach season wasn’t an all-day affair. The “new” shopping center in Chester, with the island’s second grocery store, a Safeway. The new “new” shopping center at Thompson Creek with the island’s third grocery store, a Food Lion. The industrial park at the end of Main Street where the Paul Reed Smith factory is, identifiable by the large water tower the kids nicknamed “The Eiffel Onion” for its distinctive spheroid shapeonion. The first big-box store, that made it possible to buy home goods without crossing the bridge. The McDonalds. The Burger King. The first non-chain pizzeria, whose phone number I can still remember. The Friendly Computer Store, where my 486 came from, located above the Friendly Chinese Take-Out in the building behind the Friendly Gas Station. The evangelical Christian video arcade (Basically an ordinary video arcade, with the implicit mission to give kids a more wholesome zombie-shooting-based alternative to smoking in the Acme parking lot). The evangelical Christian ’50s-style malt shop (“JitTterbugs”). The public library branch, where my sister’s mother-in-law works. The new elementary school. The new new elementary school. The gourmet carry-out and gas station.

Abandoned Stevensville Acme Market.The Acme closed in November, 2012. The building is currently unoccupied. The hardware store that had taken over their previous location (and for that reason, had an otherwise inexplicable supermarket-style airlock foyer) moved out, that entire strip mall having priced itself most of the way out of business by undergoing an expensive renovation right before the anchor store closed. The Safeway built a new store which seems perfectly normal to me, but my dad still speaks of it in hushed, reverent tones as though it’s some kind of grocery Mecca. My dad, of course, has lived on Kent Island since long before it was perfectly normal for supermarkets to be that big or carry exotic, otherworldly produce like Swiss Chard or Chayotes. They tore down the McDonalds and built a bigger one. The gas station still exists, but it’s neither a Chinese carry-out nor a computer store any more. The independent pizza place and its entire strip-mall was bulldozed in favor of a Cracker Barrel. The motel that used to stand at the intersection of MD-8 and US-50/301 didn’t survive the loss of the intersection. It stood abandoned for a decade then turned into a Park-and-Ride.

Chesapeake Bay Model
We’d always assumed they moved the model out when it was shut down. But the model itself was made of concrete and effectively part of the floor. Had I know, I think I would have broken in to take a look at it at some point, rather than just wandering around the outside that one time until I saw a spider as big as my fist and ran away in terror.

The Bay Model, an enormous scale model of the Chesapeake Bay for scientific research, had been closed ever since computers rendered it obsolete in 1981. The building collapsed from storm damage in 2006 and is a business park now. The Pac-Man tree, a big tree by the side of MD-8 that had been distinctively groomed to accommodate overhead power lines, fell down in a storm. An ancient abandoned store on Batts Neck Road, which had probably shut down when MD-8 was widened and rerouted in the ’70s but which inexplicably still featured a working Coke machine in front of it as late as 1996 is now just a weed-encroached concrete slab. Tidewater Bank is now a Bank of America branch, and at some point in the 21st century, they replaced the 8-track player (Literally the only 8-track player I have ever seen in real life) that had sat on top of the night deposit vault playing background music dutifully for as long as I can remember. They tore down the Pizza Hut last May, I think. There’s a Dunkin Donuts there now (The island’s second attempt. One opened in the late ’90s, but was run out of town to defend the business of a local non-chain donut shop. Which closed a year later anyway. The first one is a Dairy Queen now). The Hardee’s is still there, but not really, because Hardee’s was bought by Carl’s Jr. back in ’99 so the modern place bears basically no resemblance to the place I remember from my childhood.

Over and over again, I go looking for my past and find that they’ve torn it down and replaced it with something that’s just like everywhere else. And, I mean, of course it is. I’m looking for the past, and someone’s gone and replaced it with the present. Duh. Still, I’m disappointed, and it’s not the disappointment of nostalgia exactly, because I’m not just looking for my own past.

When you’re a kid, and your parents drag you off on a long trip, where do you want to eat? If you’re every child I have ever known, including my own younger self, the answer is that you want to go to McDonalds. And this is, once you are no longer a child, stupid. Because, come on, you can eat at McDonalds any time you like (In my own personal defense, when I was a child, McDonalds was exotic, since you had to cross the bridge to get to one). There’s like 10,000 of them. There’s an intersection in Ellicott City where, if you go up to the parking lot of the car dealership on the hill there, you can see six of them. You’re going somewhere new and exciting, and you should try something you can’t get at home. (This has, in recent years, become a source of all-consuming angst for me, to the point that it makes it really hard for me to have a decent meal when traveling)

The past is a foreign country. That’s the actual problem here. I don’t actually mind the past being a foreign country. But I find travel stressful. Kent Island, my home town, is an hour’s drive and thirty years away from the father of one and a half who lives in central Maryland and has a wife and a job and two mortgages. If, as I do roughly twice a year, I’m going to drive down to Kent Island on a weekday when I’m neither bringing nor visiting my family, I want to have something to do when I get there to justify the trip. Something more than a dentist appointment. I never find anything. At least, not anything I couldn’t do just as well at home. If I’m going to put in the effort to go visit a foreign country, I don’t freaking want to eat at McDonalds.

Which is why I always go to Hardee’s.

Even if the burgers are kinda bland. Chicken’s good though.

Parse Error

Scene: A lazy Sunday afternoon. DYLAN heads for the basement door.

MOMMY
Where are you going?

DYLAN
I’m gettin’ my painting stuff so I can paint.

MOMMY
You can’t paint right now. Someone needs to be with you because it’s messy. You need supervision for that.

A Pause

DYLAN
But I can see pretty good already.

Dylan’s Sunday Round-Up, August 9, 2015

Scene: MOMMY is trying to jump-start her car. DYLAN has woken DADDY early for some company.

DYLAN: Why mommy’s car not working?

DADDY: Someone left the light on in her car all night so the battery died

DYLAN: You mean the dome light? (nb: DYLAN has previously gotten in trouble for leaving the dome light in DADDY’s car on)

DADDY: Yes.

DYLAN: Well I didn’t do it. Did you do it?

DADDY: No.

DYLAN: Then I think Mommy did it. Because she’s the only one left in our family.


Scene: DYLAN and MOMMY have just returned from church

DADDY: How was church?

DYLAN: Good.

DADDY: What did the priest talk about?

A pause. DYLAN struggles to remember.

DYLAN: (dismissively) Nothing you’d be interested in.

(later)

MOMMY: Oh. Dylan briefly lost his pants in church.

I see a long future in Constitutional Law

Scene: DADDY is watching a show. DYLAN wants to watch Dinosaur Train. DADDY has agreed to let him watch his show once DADDY’s show is finished

 

DYLAN: How much time does your show have?

DADDY pauses his show, causing a blue indicator bar showing the progress of his show

DADDY: Twenty minutes

Thirty seconds pass

DYLAN: Now how much time does your show have?

DADDY: A little less than twenty minutes

Thirty seconds pass

DYLAN: Daddy, now how long your show has?

DADDY: Ninteen minutes

Fifteen seconds pass

DYLAN: Now much longer your show is now?

DADDY: (irritated) Dylan, you’re nagging. If you ask me how long the show is one more time, you won’t be allowed to watch your show at all.

DYLAN: Even if I say please?

DADDY: Even if you say please.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: Because when you are a nag, people don’t want to do nice things for you.

One minute passes

DYLAN: Daddy?

DADDY: Yes?

DYLAN: (thinking) Can you… Show me… The blue line? The line that says how much of the show there is?

DADDY: … Touche, son.

Easter Vignettes

A few days before Easter. Dylan is in the dining room on all fours, contemplating some early Easter candy.

Dylan: Woof woof! I’m a doggie! I please have some candy?

Daddy: Sorry. Chocolate isn’t good for doggies.

Dylan: (As though Daddy is very dim) I’m just pretending to be a doggie.


The Saturday Before Easter.

Dylan, at bedtime, after a long array of hugs, kisses, and goodnights from visiting family: “All this love is makin’ me sleepy.


Easter Sunday. Mommy has hidden chocolate Easter eggs for an Easter Egg Hunt after Dinner.

An hour or so before dinner:

Dylan: (Holds up a chocolate egg) Look! I found this! Can I have it?

Mommy: It’s not time for the Easter egg hunt yet! I need to know which one that is so we can make sure we find them all later. Where did you find that one?

(Dylan holds up a flattened foil wrapper.)

Dylan: It was inside this.

 

A Tale of Two Robots

By Dylan

Once upon a time, there was a poor old man who had a lot of apples. One day, he said, “I should make a robot out of applesauce!” So he made a really, really tall robot out of applesauce. And the robot could talk.

Now, the man who made the robot out of applesauce was the same person who had once made a robot out of chicken nuggets. And the robots said “We should build a house,” so they built a house. But there was a beanstalk next to the house, so the robot made out of chicken nuggets climbed up the beanstalk and met a bad giant made out pizza. But the pizza giant fell down because it was too heavy!

So the robot made out of applesauce punched the beanstalk down. And then he needed to go to his home, so he flew off. And then he punched down another beanstalk (there were a lot of beanstalks).

There was another robot made out of chicken nuggets. And the robot made out of applesauce said to the other robot made out of chicken nuggets, “You’re my sister!” And the (first) Chicken Nugget Robot said, “You’re my sister too.” (There was another applesauce robot too, but I think he was their cousin)

So the man said, “We should all go to the applesauce robot’s home.” And the applesauce robot said, “Yes, we should all go to my home,” so they flew off (For applesauce robots can float in the air, but can’t walk).

 

If he ever figures it out, we’re done for.

Scene: A few days before Christmas. DYLAN is upstairs. MOMMY has retreated to the library to wrap presents. DADDY is in the family room.

DYLAN (oov)

Daddy? Where mommy is?

DADDY

I’m not sure, son. Are you ready to go up to bed?

DYLAN

Not yet, Daddy. I was just… I just went upstairs so you wouldn’t see me unwrap the lollypop.

November 9, 2014: The Day I Officially Lost The Battle

Scene: DYLAN is in the kitchen, searching his Halloween Candy Bag. DADDY is in the family room.

DYLAN: I’m going to have a lollipop.

DADDY: Don’t open another lollipop. You already have two open lollipops.

DYLAN does not answer, but holds up an unwrapped lollipop

DADDY: Did you already unwrap the lollipop?

DYLAN: Yeah.

DADDY: Fine. But no more candy until after dinner.

DYLAN: Okay. No more candy.

DYLAN joins DADDY in the family room.

DYLAN: I knew you were going to come up and stop me so I unwrapped the lollipop.

DADDY: What?

DYLAN: (smug) You were going to come to the kitchen and say no so I took the wrapper off right away.

DADDY: Dylan! That was naughty.

DYLAN: Why?

DADDY: I do not even know how to answer that!

Gluconeogenesis

Scene: int. Family Room, day. DYLAN and DADDY are playing. DYLAN finishes some candy he had asked for on the pretext that his toy alligator wanted some.

DYLAN: Oh no! I forgot to give some candy to my friend alligator!

DADDY: That’s okay. I know. Since he’s a toy alligator, maybe he’d like pretend candy. Maybe you could make him some candy in your kitchen.

DYLAN: (incredulous) You don’t make candy in a kitchen!

DADDY: Sure you do! Where do you think candy comes from?

DYLAN: (condescending) It comes from the Easter Bunny. On Easter, the Easter Bunny bring it to our house.

DADDY: (laughing) Okay. But where do you think the Easter Bunny gets it?

DYLAN: (as though DADDY is very dim) From his easter basket.