In my business, we never make friends."
"Ah... Professional detachment?"
"No, we just don't have the knack. -- Douglas Adams, The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Episode 9
A Mind Occasionally Voyaging

Category: Personal Thoughts

The Continuing Saga of my Daughter and Coffee

Reposted from my facebook…

Evie: You got milk on you coffee?
Me: Yes. I put cream in my coffee.
Evie: You put cream on you coffee? I put cream on my butt.
…
Evie: You not funny. Why laugh?

(Later)

Evie walks out of her room, naked and carrying her bedsheet. Nearby, her bed is sheetless, Leah having been interrupted mid-beddressing.

Evie: I want sheep.
Me: Okay. We’ll put the sheet on your bed.
Evie waves the sheet.
Evie: I want sheep.
Me: Okay, but first we need to get you in a diaper and pajamas.
She waves the sheet again.
Evie: Want. Sheep.
Me: I’ll put the sheet on your bed. Okay.
Evie: Daddy. Want sheep say baa baa!
Me: Wait, when you said “sheep” you meant “sheep”?

 

In Which I Take a Very Lovely Song, and Ruin It Upon Request of my Daughter

With apologies to Ryan Adams, The Corrs, Bono, and probably Weird Al.

So, back in 2001, Ryan Adams wrote a perfectly nice song called “When the Stars Go Blue”, and in 2006, it was popularized by Tim McGraw, but between those two, The Corrs did a version of the song at a live show in Dublin with help from Bono, and their cover is one of the most straightforwardly beautiful poppy love songs of the past twenty years.

Last night, I was singing it to my daughter, and she started giggling at the line “Stars go blue,” and then ordered me to sing a different song. When I asked her what song to sing, she answered, “Cow.” The meaning of this was not immediately clear to me, so I asked for more explanation. Did she want me to sing “Old MacDonald”? “Hey Diddle Diddle”?

No, she clarified; she wanted me to sing about “Cows go moo-oo-ooh”.

So I had a think, and now I have rather wonderfully ruined one of the prettiest songs I know. This may be almost as good as the time Dylan had me insert Jack (of Beanstalk fame) into the story of The Three Little Pigs.

When the Cows Go Moo

Lyric: L. Ross Raszewski
Music: Ryan Adams

Milkin’ when the cows go “moo”,
Milkin’ with a metal pail,
Milkin’ with a wooden stool,
Sittin’ in a barn…

Milkin’ at the end of day,
Milkin’ at the break of dawn,
Milkin’ little farmer girl,
On McDonald’s farm…

Where do you go when you’re thirsty?
Where do you go when you’re two?
Where do you go when you’re thirsty,
I’ll follow you…

When the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
When the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
When the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
When the cows go moo-oo-ooh

Laughing with your pretty mouth,
Laughing with your pretty eyes,
Laughing holdin’ daddy’s hand,
In a lullaby…

Where do you go when you’re thirsty?
Where do you go when you’re two?
Where do you go when you’re thirsty,
I’ll follow you…

When the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
When the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
When the cows, when the cows go moo(oo-oo-ooh)
Cows go moo…
Cows go moo…
Cows go moo…
Cows go moo…

I’m tired.

I’ve mentioned numerous times that I’ve got two small children. One of them is school-age; he just started Kindergarten this past fall. Taking care of small children is a lot of work. But that’s not actually why I’m tired this week.

What I’m tired over is worrying about them. I’m tired of worrying that some disgruntled man-child is going to take a legally-purchased long gun and shoot at them.

I’m tired of being told the problem is that parents are too lazy and aren’t engaged enough. Look, parenting is hard. I like to think I do a decent job of it, but it takes literally every ounce of strength I have to keep that up. And I’ve got a good job and live in a good neighborhood and have all manner of other things going for me.

I’m tired of being told that the problem is “mental health” when the mentally ill are far more likely to be the victims of a crime than the perpetrators. And I’m doubly tired of being told it by the same people who work day and night to make healthcare harder to afford. And I’m triple tired of being told it by people who have absolutely no intention of doing a damned thing about how shamefully broken our support and care systems for people with mental health issues are, but are just looking for a convenient out-group to stigmatize.

I’m tired of being told how children of today are “entitled” and “irresponsible” by adults who are throwing a tantrum at the prospect of having their favorite toys taken away.

I’m tired of being told that we should try ridiculous solutions since they’re better than nothing by the people who have taken all the reasonable solutions off the table.

I’m tired of being told I’m a coward by people who need a personal arsenal to feel safe.

I’m tired of being told that the survivors need to “embrace Jesus” at a school that’s 40% Jewish when the shooter etched swastikas into his magazines.

I’m tired of being told that a 5-4 SCOTUS decision from 2008 represents the one and only possibly interpretation of the phrase “A well-regulated militia”.

I’m tired of being told that banning guns won’t help when it’s helped in literally every other country it’s been tried. I’m tired of being told it by the same people responsible for the war on drugs. But then, banning assault rifles would inconvenience white men rather than serving as an excuse to disenfranchise millions of people of color.

I’m tired of it taking two weeks for the media to notice when a shooter is a white supremacist and two seconds to notice when they’re a Muslim.

I’m tired of passionate defenses of a law that exists because eighteenth century slaveowners were afraid abolitionists would take away their ability to put down slave revolts made by people who harbor the delusion that they could possibly defend themselves from government tyranny with an AR-15. I’m especially tired of hearing it from people who tell me that the black man with a legally-owned gun who was shot by the cops for no clear reason was “no angel”.

But mostly, I am tired of knowing that the next one is just around the corner.

Fix this.

A Legitimate Conversation Which Occurred Naturally

Scene: DYLAN is doing his vocabulary cards.

DYLAN: … wh- ah- t. waaht?

DADDY: Almost. You’ve got the sort of general shape of the word. But what is an actual word that sounds like that?

DYLAN: Wu-hat. Can you just tell me?

DADDY: What is a word that sounds like that.

DYLAN: Just tell me.

DADDY: I am telling you. What is a word that sounds like “that”.

DYLAN: I don’t know!

DADDY: Third base!

 

A Second Evie Lexicon

A sequel to last year’s Evie Lexicon:

  • Mackie: Milk
  • Bawbal: In a bottle
  • Bee: A bib
  • Bassy: Pacifier
  • Berber: Diaper
  • Bop: A lagomorph
  • Nickey: A mouse, famed of western animation
  • Carlee: A pen, crayon, marker, or paint.
  • Chickie: Chicken (cooked)
  • Basta: Pasta
  • Cah-coo: A cookie or cracker.
  • Ahgan: I am finished
  • Ahwango: Please take me to
  • Hom: home
  • indacar: Via automobile
  • Dadeye: Father
  • Momeye: Mother
  • Broba: Brother
  • Baw: Ball
  • Oh no: I have just thrown something on the floor
  • Stinky: I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.
  • Stinky Bye-bye: A toilet. Yes, really.
  • Stih-kah: Anything with adhesive properties.
  • Beebee: A doll or infant.
  • Ear: An orange muppet, cohabitant with Bert.
  • Hap: I require assistance
  • Hug: Please pick me up.
  • Cheer: A place to sit
  • This, That: You got me. I have no freaking idea what these mean.
  • Pistachio: Oddly enough, pistachio. I don’t know how she got this on her first try. I was six before I could say it properly.

Misspent Youth: Marley Was Dead to Begin With

Doing something different this week because it’s timely. About a week ago, I went to the dentist. On my way back, I reckoned I should stop off at the mall and see if  I could get in any last-minute Christmas Shopping. My predicted flight path would naturally take my past the Annapolis Mall, but I decided that, what the hell, why not do the stupid thing and swing by Marley Station again. I was out of the wrapping paper I’d bought at the dollar store the last time I was there and maybe I could pick up another roll.

Well, they didn’t have the same paper this year, and I didn’t actually find any Christmas presents to buy, but I’m glad I went all the same. You’ll recall from my previous visit to Marley that it’s a slowly dying mall about halfway between Severna Park and Glen Burnie that was, about thirty years ago, the big fancy exciting mall that drove all the small malls up the MD-2 corridor out of business. I’m pleased to report that Marley Station looked far less bleak on this visit. More storefronts were occupied, to the point that it was really only the farthest wings that looked like ghost towns, and there were plenty of people in the mall — not what you’d expect for a holiday crowd perhaps, but certainly a normal number of people for the early afternoon on a weekday.

There’s a used bookstore there now which looks charmingly like they got all their signage by dumpster diving when B. Dalton went under. They look to have opened once and then relocated to a bigger space down the hall in the time since I was last there. The bounce house place has moved over as well. A lot more of the shops were occupied, and even a bunch of the ones that weren’t open looked like they maybe weren’t abandoned — there’s a few fitness-related places that look like they only open for classes in the mornings/evenings. There was an old-fashioned candy shop where I bought a pound of red hots. And a place that specializes in nerd-culture type collectibles — one side anime DVDs and merch, the other side autographed sports stuff. There was one Christmas pop-up store, which is way less than I was expecting.

But the real reason I’m glad I took this most recent trip to Marley Station is this: remember that closed model train place I mentioned last time where the Friendly’s used to be? Turns out that it’s seasonal. Every Christmas, it opens up as a Holiday Train Garden to raise money for the North Counties Emergency Outreach Network. According to the news, they’ve been doing this for twenty-three years now. My first instinct is that they must’ve been doing it somewhere else for part of that time, but then I realize that 23 years only takes me back to High School and it’s entirely possible that the Friendly’s at Marley Station has been gone that long. And also, I feel super, super old.

The first thing you see when you walk in is a layout modeled on DC, which, fair enough; we’re in the greater DC metro area. Further on, there’s a model of Fort McHenry. This isn’t a high-accuracy recreation of the local geography, but instead a fun thematic construct giving a sort of theme park version of the Baltimore-DC corridor. But then you see the face of Donald Trump blasted into the mountain. Which is a horror in its own right, but you can kinda imagine that blasting his own face into a mountain is exactly the sort of thing Trump would do.

Notice the windmill off to the left? The garden has numerous motion features, activated by buttons along the base. There’s a button to activate those windmills, with similar buttons to activate other things like the propellers on the presidential helicopter off to the right, or the Santa orbiting above. But I question the accuracy of placing windmills so close to the White House, given that I’m pretty sure Trump wants to ban them for not using enough coal.

More windmills.
There’s a Christmas village above the giant Trump head. Because of course there is.
This looks nothing at all like Trump Tower, and its placement between the White House and Fort McHenry makes no sense, but I’ll allow it because that is a really clever way to use the old support columns from the Friendly’s.

Continue reading Misspent Youth: Marley Was Dead to Begin With

Guest Post: Arts & Crafts With Dylan

Since last week was Thanksgiving and I was on the road, I haven’t had time to do even the minimal amount of work I usually do for a filler post. So instead, I’m handing over this Wednesday article to my not-quite-6-year-old. I am sure nothing will go wrong.

Daddy editorials in italics.

Today, we will be recycling our leftover McDonald’s Happy Meal packaging into the beginnings of a model town.

McDonald’s. Made of McDonald’s
  1. Rip the dots that make the top of the box stand up
    (Daddy translation: Tear the flaps at the top of the box at the perforations)
  2. Fold them down, then tape them down.
    (Daddy translation: Fold the flaps over the outside of the box and secure with tape. Turn the box upside-down)
  3. Tape the handles to the side of the box.
  4. Tape the fry container
    (Daddy translation: Center the fry box in the middle of the bottom of the happy meal box and secure with tape)
  5. Decorate it.
    (Don’t forget to draw the drive-thru)
  6. Don’t forget to write your name. That’s all.
  7. The open spot goes on the bottom.
    (This is the point where Dylan realized he’d never told you to turn the box upside-down in step 2)

 

 

Stately McNugget Manor
  1. Rip the dots that make the top of the box stand up
  2. Fold them down, then tape them down.
  3. Tape the handles to the side of the box.
  4. Get a 10-piece McNugget Box.
  5. Rip the supports that are the easiest ones to pull off.
    (Daddy translation: Peel apart the glued corner flaps and unfold the box)
  6. Tape the McNugget box to the Happy Meal box.
    (Daddy Translation: Turn the McNugget box upside-down and perch it on top of the upside-down Happy Meal box, secure with tape)
  7. Don’t forget: the open spot goes on the bottom.

An Evie Lexicon

While I buy myself time to struggle through writing about the penultimate War of the Worlds II episode (Hey, you know what character we definitely need more of? Ethan Allen Ratkin), my daughter has undergone a sudden and exponential growth in her vocabulary. Here’s a partial dictionary of the words my daughter can now say:

  • Awansy: Show me
  • Baf: To bathe
  • Side, Aside: Outside
  • Quac: Canine.
  • Fuff: The sound made by a Quac.
  • Daisy: Grandma’s Quac.
  • Caw: Any large herbivore, such as a cow or hippopotamus.
  • Sue: An item of footwear
  • My: More
  • Mama: Food
  • Mom: The sound made by a caw
  • Eye: Any facial feature
  • No: The eye in the center of the face
  • Seep: Ovine
  • Alma: A popular red muppet
  • Bye: (Accompanied by a wave) Please for the love of God don’t leave me
  • Uh-oh: I am about to throw something
  • Rasha: Trash
  • Aster: To climb a flight of steps
  • Nigh-nigh: Farewell
  • Fowl-foe: A flower
  • Ha: Hot
  • Coo: Cold
  • Eat: Feed me.
  • Baby: A baby
  • Butt: Her posterior
  • Wow: wow