Driving west at dusk.
Dylan: We’re driving away from the darkness.
Daddy: Yes.
Dylan: But I’m tired. That’s bad.
Daddy: Don’t worry. The darkness will overtake us soon enough.
Category: The Wit and Wisdom of Dylan Raszewski
Conversations with my son
A Legitimate Conversation Which Occurred Naturally
Scene: DYLAN is doing his vocabulary cards.
DYLAN: … wh- ah- t. waaht?
DADDY: Almost. You’ve got the sort of general shape of the word. But what is an actual word that sounds like that?
DYLAN: Wu-hat. Can you just tell me?
DADDY: What is a word that sounds like that.
DYLAN: Just tell me.
DADDY: I am telling you. What is a word that sounds like “that”.
DYLAN: I don’t know!
DADDY: Third base!
Guest Post: Arts & Crafts With Dylan
Since last week was Thanksgiving and I was on the road, I haven’t had time to do even the minimal amount of work I usually do for a filler post. So instead, I’m handing over this Wednesday article to my not-quite-6-year-old. I am sure nothing will go wrong.
Daddy editorials in italics.
Today, we will be recycling our leftover McDonald’s Happy Meal packaging into the beginnings of a model town.
- Rip the dots that make the top of the box stand up
(Daddy translation: Tear the flaps at the top of the box at the perforations) - Fold them down, then tape them down.
(Daddy translation: Fold the flaps over the outside of the box and secure with tape. Turn the box upside-down) - Tape the handles to the side of the box.
- Tape the fry container
(Daddy translation: Center the fry box in the middle of the bottom of the happy meal box and secure with tape) - Decorate it.
(Don’t forget to draw the drive-thru) - Don’t forget to write your name. That’s all.
- The open spot goes on the bottom.
(This is the point where Dylan realized he’d never told you to turn the box upside-down in step 2)
- Rip the dots that make the top of the box stand up
- Fold them down, then tape them down.
- Tape the handles to the side of the box.
- Get a 10-piece McNugget Box.
- Rip the supports that are the easiest ones to pull off.
(Daddy translation: Peel apart the glued corner flaps and unfold the box) - Tape the McNugget box to the Happy Meal box.
(Daddy Translation: Turn the McNugget box upside-down and perch it on top of the upside-down Happy Meal box, secure with tape) - Don’t forget: the open spot goes on the bottom.
Scenes from Walt Disney World with Dylan
At the Tower of Terror:
DADDY: Shall we be stoic, or shall we go crazy?
DYLAN: What does “Go crazy” mean?
While Tossing Coins into a fountain:
DYLAN: You know what I’m going to wish for? I’m going to wish that you didn’t have to wear your magicband.
DADDY: That seems like a silly thing to wish for.
DYLAN: Oh. What should I wish for?
DADDY: I don’t know, Something big, like world peace.
DYLAN: What’s world peace?
DADDY: It’s when all the people in the world stop fighting.
DYLAN: Okay, I’ll wish for that.
(Throws coin)
DYLAN: You know what I’m going to wish for next time? That there were more robots. Lots and lots of robots.
DADDY: (later, to mommy) <robot voice>AND-THEN-THERE-WILL-BE-PEACE</robot voice>
Halfway through a long, wet day at the Magic Kingdom:
DYLAN: If I had unlimited fastpasses, you know what I’d use them for? The bus back to the resort.
I’m a bad existentialist parent.
DYLAN and DADDY are on the way home from a craft fair.
DYLAN: I don’t believe Santa is real.
DADDY: Okay. I imagine he doesn’t believe in you either.
DYLAN: Why?
DADDY: Well, if he’s not real, how’s he supposed to believe in you?
DYLAN: Well, Santa’s supposed to be a good guy, right?
DADDY: Yeah. I think so.
DYLAN: But Santa comes into everyone’s house without asking. Like a robber.
DADDY: That’s… a good point. But wait, didn’t you write a letter to Santa asking him to bring you things?
DYLAN: I don’t think so. I don’t know how to read.
DADDY: But you saw him at the mall and sat on his lap, didn’t you? (Suddenly panics that he might be about to imply that sitting on a man’s lap grants implicit consent for him to visit you in the night)
DYLAN: No.
DADDY: I have pictures.
DYLAN: Oh. But I don’t think that was the real Santa. I think that was a man in a costume.
DADDY: Yeah. I think Santa has helpers for stuff like that.
DYLAN: Okay. Then I guess maybe Santa is real, if he has helpers.
A Partial List of Questions My Son Has Asked Which Are More Difficult To Answer than “Can two dudes get married?”
(War of the Worlds will be back next week.)
- Daddy, why would the police shoot a little boy?
- Daddy, is Donald Trump bad?
- Daddy, what’s war?
- Daddy, why do some people think Donald Trump is good?
- If there was a bad guy, should I sacrifice myself to save Evelyn?
- Daddy, what’s hell?
- (While watching a nature documentary) Daddy, what’s that boy impala doing to that lady impala?
- (Later) What’s that boy stag beetle doing to that lady stag beetle?
- (Seriously?) What’s that boy crab doing to that lady crab?
- (Why is there a solid half-hour of this nature documentary devoted to watching animals boink?) What’s that water buffalo doing to that lady water buffalo?
- Are sharks bad?
- What happens when we die?
- Why doesn’t mommy have a penis?
- Does it hurt trees when they lose their leaves?
- Why did they cancel Larry Willmore?
For years, the religious right told me this conversation would be hard.
Scene: Interior, night. The kitchen. DADDY is washing dishes.
DADDY
Where’s my ring? (Looks down to family room) Oh. There it is.
DYLAN
I never saw your ring before.
He runs down to look at it and comes back.
DYLAN
Oh. I’ve seen your wedding ring. You always wear your wedding ring.
DADDY
Yes, except when I’m doing something that gets my hands wet
DYLAN
I never wear a wedding ring. Because I’m not even married!
They laugh.
DYLAN
Boys only marry girls. Boys can’t marry boys.
DADDY
Boys can marry other boys if they want.
DYLAN
You’re telling a joke! That’s so silly!
DADDY
No, really. Most boys marry girls and most girls marry boys, but some boys marry boys and some girls marry girls and that’s fine too if it’s what they want.
DYLAN
Oh. I think I’d rather marry a girl. I don’t think I’d marry a boy.
DADDY
Okay.
DYLAN
Especially not [REDACTED]. He’s naughty. Well, he’s getting better. He used to be a lot naughtier when we were in the four-year-old classroom. Also, he uses a lot of potty words.
And it’s not like I let him watch The Walking Dead or anything.
Scene: After dinner. DADDY is loading the dishwasher.
DYLAN
My friend at school likes zombies.
DADDY
Oh?
DYLAN
Are zombies scary?
DADDY
Yes
DYLAN
Why?
DADDY
Because they eat people.
DYLAN
That’s scary. You should run away from zombies.
DADDY
Yes, generally.
DYLAN
Unless you want to get eaten. If you want to get eaten, you should hunt for zombies.
DADDY
I suppose so.
DYLAN
Or if you want to kill zombies. But for that, you need a sword. Or arrows.
DADDY
Um… Yes?
FIN
Bargaining
The Family Room. A few days after Christmas. DYLAN and DADDY are sitting on the couch. DYLAN is playing Marvel’s Ultimate Spider-Man on his new LeapTV video game console.
DYLAN[br]Daddy, will you ever take my video games away?
DADDY[br]I don’t want you. But if you’re really naughty I might have to. For a little while.
DYLAN[br](thoughtful)[br]Actually, Daddy, my favorite toy right now is… Is…. Is… Um…
DYLAN looks around the room. He sees an old toy shopping cart he’s given little thought to in years.
DYLAN[br]Is… My toy shopping cart
It’s Been a Hard Day’s…
Scene: DYLAN’s room. Bedtime. DYLAN and DADDY are playing with his remote-controlled robot, who is fighting a fuzzy bear slipper.
DADDY
Okay, we have to finish up and lights out.
DYLAN
But the bear isn’t the Big Boss. If he calls the Big Boss, the robots will have to fight him.
DADDY
Dylan, it’s ten minutes past lights out. I think we’re going to have to defeat the bear and call it a night.
Dylan holds the robot remote to his ear as though it’s a phone
DYLAN
(to remote)
mumble mumble
DYLAN
(to DADDY)
Okay. I called in the knight. He’ll be here in a few minutes to defeat the bear.