Category: Eschatology

Episode four of “The Starlost” introduces us to the crew of The Pices, one of the Ark’s little survey vessels. The crew has been away for ten years and has been out of contact, and is very surprised to learn that the crew are dead. Given that the crew have been dead for hundreds of years, I suspect that this episode is going to try to convince us that the crew of the Ark did not understand the concept of special relativity.
Everyone piles aboard the Pices and takes a spin around the ship to survey the damage. Then, for some reason, the captain and one of the hot chyk crewmen fall asleep. The other one babbles something incoherent about “space senility” and does the same.
The captain dismisses their claims that the accident happened hundreds of years earlier, since it’s coming from a bunch of Space Amish, but they also seem a little weird. “Time does funny things in space,” the captain explains, and implies that they’re tired because they’re old.
Eager to find their families, they rush back to the crew area, where they meet a small family who don’t know them, but after pushing the old folks a bit, they manage to drag out of them that they’d heard of a ship called the Pices, from a very long time ago.
On the trashed bridge, Anton La Vey explains the mission of the Pices (and for some reason gives its size in “Jewbic Meters”). Despite the captain’s admonishment, the cuter of the two bridge bunnies has the computer verify that they’ve been gone 400 years, and we finally get it explained: the captain had ignored some warnings about their trajectory, and they set off using some bad navigational data, which resulted in them experiencing more time dilation than they’d expected: once the Ark lost contact, they’d been unable to sync their clock to the Ark, and as a result, they’d accidentally accelerated to near the speed of light without noticing (Which is not nearly as ridiculous as it sounds. If you just lean on the gas in a space ship, and keep the pedal down for a few years, you’ll just keep accelerating, and once they lost sight of the Ark, they couldn’t calculate their speed relative to it).
The Pices crew gets increasingly morose about their predicament, though the more-hot chyk takes a shine to Garth, and the less-hot chyk does The Creepy Sci Fi thing where she speaks from a position of the gender views of the period that produced the show. So, 800 years in the future, a space pilot thinks that being a happy homemaker with no skills other than cooking, cleaning, and sewing is really a better life for a woman than hers. (Also, the captain’s wife is recognized by the computer as Mrs. (Captain’s full name).)
The captain has another episode, and Anton La Vey diagnoses him as space-senile: doomed to have his mental age rapidly increase due to the time dilation. They’ll promptly have the minds of 400-year-olds unless they return to their previous time dilation.
As they all have a cracking good party to enjoy their remaining time, they watch the Pices’s logs, and see “an unidentified class G solar star” — which turns out to be the star which the Ark is going to strike. I guess a “solar star” is different from the other kind. The bridge bunnies decide to steal the Pices and shoot Devon with a phaser set to “Gurn”.
They reckon that their best bet is to go back to Earth and hope that there’s some of it left. While the captain objects in principle, he also objects in the pragmatic sense that he doesn’t think they have enough power to go back to Earth. Devon distracts them for a minute and pulls out one of the Orange clipboards on the wall reactor cores in order to send the ship off balance. For some reason, the bridge bunnies become compliant after this, and happily pilot the ship back to the Ark.
They drop our heroes off and then decide to bugger off themselves, since a slow death in space beats space senility and the chance to help save the rest of humanity.
Good riddance, frankly.

Episode Three finally grants us the John Collicos we’ve been waiting for. He plays a smarmy evil guy, which I know is a stretch for this actor.
Arriving in Omicron (a dome to which they got directed by the frozen guy), our heroes get captured by guards, who totally freak when they discover Rachel’s boobs: this is a society that did away with women centuries ago during a great catastrophe, and have had to subsist on artificial gestation ever since.
John Collicos, the local despot, explains that everyone thinks Rachel is the reincarnation of their goddess, and while he’s far too canny to buy into that, he does realize that it would be excellent political capital if he married her, especially since he’s a tyrant in the old-school sense of the word: he’s only allowed to rule so long as he kills anyone who challenges him to single combat (hint hint).
Unfortunately for Devon, what few books weren’t burned are now strictly limited to the local priestly caste, who won’t let them read, even though they do let him and Garth hide in their temple.
John Collicos makes his plans to marry Rachel. He quite likes this talk of “love” that she keeps going on about, but he wishes she wouldn’t say it around other people, what with it being a scary alien concept to their all male society.
The Original Baltar also has a weird homoerotic moment with the head priest when he says “A man who spends part of each day on his knees can’t be all bad.”
Though the priest has forbidden them to see the holy texts, one of the lesser priests can’t help showing off some of the work he’s done interpreting the writings, which makes Devon and Garth realize that a bunch of dense technical writing is sufficiently mystifying to a couple of Space Amish that even if they did get to study them.
The head priest manages to negotiate with Quinn The Renegade Alien to have Devon and Garth exiled instead of executed, but in return, he agrees not to prevent the marriage.
Collicos makes some smarmy stabs at convincing Rachel that he’s in love and can become a good person with the love of a good woman. She points out that she would totally challenge him for the throne if she were a man, and Collicos weirdly replies that she would be the man he feared most.
Fortunately, Devon and Garth storm in, having convinced the palace guard that their beloved governor is forcing the goddess into marriage. Unfortunately, John Collicos’s creepy homoerotic posing and shouting makes the captain of the guard wet ’em, and when they back down, Devon does the thing they’ve been telegraphing all episode in addition to showing in the pre-title teaser: he challenges John Collicos to single combat for rulership of Omicron. John Collicos is compelled by local law to accept, and they fight using the traditional Vulcan Omicron stick-with-weighted-ends weapons while the Kirk vs Spock Fight Music Starlost Fight Music plays.
Devon gets totally owned, because he is a simple farmer, while John Collicos is the tyrrant who rules by force, but then he for no clear reason just turns around and sort of grunts a bit, and Devon takes this opportunity to hit him in the head.
Under the code, Devon may now kill John Collicos by cutting his head off… With… The… Weighted… Stick. But, of course, Devon is a TV hero, and refuses to kill him, instead letting Collicos live, shamed by his defeat.
Instead of the governorship, Devon asks to see the writings and be allowed to leave in peace. John Collicos points out that he is entirely untrustworthy and will not keep to this agreement. But as he’s just been publicly shamed and shown to be entirely vincible, he’s probably going to be busy fighting off every Johnny-Come-Lately who wants to kill him.
The ancient writings turn out to be entirely indecipherable, but when Garth mentions the Ark, the priests remember some ancient legends they have about avoiding a firey demise by going to the nether-regions of the Ark. Devon, who has read the script, concludes that this indicates the existence of an auxilliary bridge, presumably in the ship’s ladyparts.
John Collicos, having reasserted his dominance, shows up to capture the heroes just as they make good their escape, but then for some reason lets them go: much to his surprise, he’s found that this whole “Love” thing is not entirely unpleasant, and, knowing that Rachel loves Devon and not him, doesn’t want to force her into marriage any more. Moreover, despite the fact that, logically, he must have just murdered half his palace guard, having been publicly shamed by Devon twice in one day has given him the idea that it might actually be fun to try a new style of governance which isn’t based on killing anyone who disagrees with you. Public shamings might work even better.
Much like the public shaming I feel now for having spent another hour of my life on this show.

In episode 2, The Head of Anton La Vey directs our heroes to the medical section, where the lose Garth when attacked by some Wipers. Rachel and Devon find out from another La Vey head that the medical section houses cryonically suspended engineering teams. Rachel thinks that the chair-activated La Vey head is the funniest thing she’s ever seen. Now, the La Vey head is very funny. Not the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, but then, I’m not Space-Amish.
They wake up the first engineer they can find, and then discover that he’s dying of “a radiation virus”. Garth tells the Wipers all about Cypress Corners, which impresses them so much that their leader, Burgess Meredeth, wanders off to think on the viability of taking it over.
The engineer comes to terms with his impending death and the semi-doomed situation the Ark is in, and then reveals that he’s entirely the wrong sort of engineer, being in communications.
The Wipers attack sickbay, and under the engineer’s instruction Devon and Rachel incapacitate them using sedative vials from the first aid kit. This works because in the future, sedative vials all have a self-destruct feature.
Meanwhile, the engineer asks La Vey if his wife is in suspended animation. He doesn’t know, but has a “videotape” recording for him. La Vey demands an access code, and the engineer doesn’t know it, but then discovers that it’s written on his shirt. When he does, La Vey reads him some numbers to type into the keyboard. Yes. He has to take dictation from the computer. And the La Vey computer head even gets impatient with him when he fumbles the numbers.
The code makes La Vey’s Interrociter show a video tape of his sad wife explaining that she wanted to join him in suspended animation, but couldn’t get tickets, but she’s sure that they’ll find a cure eventually and thaw him out.
She’s wrong, of course, but hey. He finds this sufficiently disappointing that he just sits down and prepares to die. Before they refreeze him, he explains that “There are books and stuff all over the ark. Find some.” Thanks. This may be useless advice, but hey, they woke him up, brought him to death’s door, and told him that his wife was dead. He owes these jokers nothing.
He does propose that the Wipers might be the degenerate descendants of the guards who used to patrol the corridors and suggests that they persuade the Wipers to move into a disused dome nearby, as they might find it to be a real nice place, and therefore not be total douchebags.
The big dumb Wiper shoots their leader with Garth’s crossbow. Possibly on purpose, I can’t tell. But Devon re-enacts the story of Androcles and the Lion, and patches Burgess Meredeth up, which in turn makes him receptive to their suggestion of moving to somewhere nice and agricultural. They show them a nice matte painting of a prairie, and the Wipers all wave a happy good-bye as Devon locks them in.
NB: This episode had less than the promised quantity of John Collicos. He’s in next week’s preview too.

Fresh from my experiences with Tomes and Talismans, I decided to Netflix a series I had never heard of until it cropped up in a cross-reference to a wikipedia article I was reading.
The series is, I believe, a post-apocalyptic Canadian space opera from the seventies. The internet tells me such talent as Harlan Ellison, A.E. Van Vogt, Frank Herbert, Joanna Russ, Thomas M. Disch, Alexei Panshin, Phillip K. Dick, and Ursula K. Le Guin were contracted to write storylines for the series. No one knows why they did this, because the series is a complete piece of shit. Sixteen episodes were produced, in which many of the expansive and amazing space sets were inserted via greenscreen rather than actually building any sets, a technique later to be adopted by shitty Star Trek Fan Films. (Fun fact: Several first season episodes of Star Trek: Hidden Frontier pulled the episode’s entire dialogue from episodes of The West Wing with the phrase “Mr. President” replaced by “Captain” and “The Senate” replaced by “The Romulans”.)
The creepiest thing about the show is how clean all the footage is. The soft focus of degraded VHS and NTSC color bleeding really do a lot to play down the terribleness of (a) cheap visual effects, (b) old video tape cameras that had no depth of field whatever, and (c) that is it is the 1970s. This is clear, crisp, and makes me remember why I can’t always tell the difference between Escatology and Scatology.
The first episode’s narration sets up the premise: Earth got destroyed eight hundred years ago. Humanity had buggered off on the Battlestar Galactica Ark, but th bridge got blown up, and now the Ark is gonna drift into a star unless our heroes can re-establish flight control.
That said, the bulk of the episode is a flashback triggered by our three heroes looking out a window at the vastness of space.
Seems these three are Space Amish, from the town of Cypress Creek. Only these Space Amish have zippers and a computer. So Space Mennonites I guess. Devon wants to marry Rachel, but Rachel is promised to his best friend Garth. Garth isn’t interested in Rachel, but he’s a respectful sort who will do as the elders order, unlike Devon, who has previously been censured for daring to ask questions like “Why does the sun come up in the morning and set at night?” and “Where does the water come from?” and “What’s Vietnam?”
The elder asks the magic 8-ball, some kind of computer terminal, just to make sure, and the computer announces that no, Devon and Rachel are not a genetically optimal match, and that the previously proposed marriage should take place.
Devon isn’t happy about this, and spies on the elders later, whereupon he discovers that the Magic Eight Ball, which the Elders introduce as the voice of the creator, isn’t actually making these pronouncements on its own volition: the elder inserts a microcassette recorder tape, tells the Magic Eight Ball what to say, and then orders it to translate from fakey archaic English (“Thou hast spake against the will of ye creator, and thou must pay with thy life”) into technobabble (“Genetic profile is incompatible with optimal conditions. Nonconforming element must be eliminated to return system to equilibrium”). Devon reacts by shouting to everyone that the ELders are faking it, without any evidence. So then he has to run away from the angry mob, through the DOOR TO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. This leads to a crappy chromakey effect of him falling down a long tunnel, whereupon he finds an Interrociter from which the face of Anton La Vey appears as a computer program to answer all his questions, only in vague terms that don’t really explain much.
The Ark, it turns out, was designed to keep all these habitats isolated in order to preserve various aspects of Earth culture. Also, the whole “About to fly into the sun” thing. Anton La Vey can’t communicate with the bridge for a data update, so he orders Devon to.
Devon, instead, goes back to Cypress Corners, where he is decried as a witch, especially when he tries to explain what he’s seen to everyone else. The Eight Ball orders Devon’s execution, and the Elder thinks it would be a good idea to order Rachel to throw the first stone.
But Garth decides to bust Devon out of jail, on condition that he leave and never come back. Devon does, but Rachel goes with him. We’re told. She has like three lines on-screen. The crazy old guy who sits by the door out of the pod explains that, now that someone has been outside and come back safely, the evil elder’s total control over the village can’t last.
Garth decides he’s going to go out of the pod, kill Devon, and bring Rachel back. Because Devon is his best friend, and he doesn’t actually want to marry Rachel, and she clearly wanted to go. And also because most of the writers quit before production started.
While Garth tumbles down the bad special effect tunnel, Devon and Rachel pass through the giant oscilloscope toward the bridge. Garth catches up with them and demands that Rachel come back with him, on the assumption that she doesn’t want to be there. She says she does, but Garth doesn’t agree.
Since the other option is shooting them with his crossbow, Garth decides to tag along to keep Rachel safe until he can take her back to Cypress Corners and marry her against either of their will. The oscilloscope, which is a security checkpoint, lets him pass in spite of the crossbow, leading to me concluding that the whole security checkpoint thing was just a waste of our time inserted to show off the shitty oscillosope effect.
They reach the bridge, saving the ship, and ending the series. Well, not quite, but they do reach the bridge, which isn’t so much “destroyed” as “roughed up a little bit”. As they stand in front of a chromakey matte painting of the bridge and look out at a chromakey matte painting of the vastness of the Ark and space beyond it, the scene from which this flashback began, they are awestruck and get to see a star approach so rapidly that there is no reasonable way that the ship will not be immolated in the very next episode. Though it then stops and hovers off the starboard beam to give them at least a season to sort it all out.
The continuity announcer makes some dishonest promises of excitement and adventure to come, which appears to include a guest appearance by John Colicos.
I. Can’t. Wait.
(Disclaimer: I can totally wait.)

Leah and I resume watching after a few days off to see Ned climbing into bed with Alice and being all sweet. Leah concludes that Ned was only an ass because he’d never gotten laid. Leah has forgotten that Ned kidnapped Trudy and Amber.
The next day, Alice finds the note, and Bray reads it aloud: “Forget about ever seeing them again”. Ned freaks out and doesn’t believe him, then suspiciously runs off.
Seline, who has no right to be snooty, gives Ellie grief about hooking up with Luke. Jack has run away.
Bray and Pride get in a fight, then Bray has a breakdown. Ned would feel guilty if he were capable of guilt.
Bray runs away and gets roughed up by street punks. Ebony extorts Ned. The Guardian scares Ron Weasley a little more, still no one believes him.
KC interrupts Bray’s bender looking for a buyer for the Guardian’s ring. He trades it for a horse, though even he isn’t sure why. Bray wanders around in a stupor until he happens upon the Mozzies, which is surprising since for people bearing a dangerous grudge, they sure took their own sweet time.
Alice starts to become suspicious of Ned when he starts treating her decently. KC gives May a horse, because he’s still sweet on her and not very bright.
A party of wandering Klingons find Bray. May tries to draft Pride into a leadership role, which finally makes Seline grow a pair and bitch out everyone.
Pride and Lex go to look for Bray in a rough part of town, but are saved by bad foley. Lex questions Edward Scissorhands’s motives, but as Pride speaks only in fortune cookie, not much progress is made.
Ebony confronts Moz, and draws a metaphor about mosquitoes: “Always like a mosquito to think it’s found something only to find out it’s bitten off more than it can chew.” So, Ebony’s skills: ass-kicking; lying; cheating; psychological manipulation: check. Metaphor: well, no one’s perfect. She goes on to propose a complex alliance.
As part of her ridiculously circuitous plan, Ebony goes back to the Mallrats and proposes Lex declare himself Sheriff. Lex asks Pride to be his deputy.
Bray wakes up and reflexively macks on Moon, Hot Chyk of the Horse-Training Tribe. They sold KC the defective horse (Who. by the way, Seline is going to ride to prove Pride wrong), but they seem to be mostly okay. I’m guessing they’d gotten the horse in a trade themselves.
Ellie tries to get Luke a job with Ebony’s new order. Ebony points out that Luke isn’t liked or trusted.

• Ellie: That never stopped you
• Leah: That’s true.
• Ebony: That’s true.

Lex shows up in his new Sheriff Duds, which make him look like a cross between Marshall Dillon, Mad Max, and Boy George (Seriously, does everyone really need facial makings?).
The Guy Who Looks Like Pride But Isn’t, Leader of the Horse Trainers, finally recognizes Bray as a Mallrat, and mention that they’ve met a mallrat before, a sort of big dumb guy whose name they didn’t catch — Bray, despite his concussion, rexognizes this as a pretty accurate description of Ryan.
Ebony catches The Guardian terrorizing Ron Weasley, but doesn’t do anything about it, because her plan is just that complicated
Bray returns to the Mall, having left a Dear John note for Moon that The Guy Who Looks Like Pride But Isn’t destroyed. Once he tells Seline that he’s got news about Ryan, she rides off on the freshly tamed horse.

Sidebar:
The end theme from The Tribe, Abe Messiah, was written by John Williams and Matt Prime. John Williams, as you probably know, wrote “Every Song In Every Movie You Have Ever Seen”. Matt Prime, of course, is the lesser-known younger brother of Optimus Prime.

Luke, showing his industrious can-do spirit, has minted money. Lex tries to use this new money to hire a posse (Dagnabit, Deputy, I told you to round me up a little posse!), but they won’t buy it. Also, behind Lex are posters of others who are vying for the job of Sheriff, including Moz, and, so far as I can tell, The Predator.
Of course, the whole “Money” thing doesn’t work because money is only worth anything so long as everyone agrees that it’s worth something. And, being children, they lack the sophistication and education to fall for that sort of shit.
After Moz’s next little outburst, Ebony proposes a free election and nominates Bray for president of the city, on the premise that while the tribes may not like the idea of the Mallrats leading them, they probably like it better than any of the other candidates.
Ned has had enough of Ebony’s failure to give him unbounded wealth and riches and threatens to tell the tribe what he’s up to. Edward Scissorhands beds May.
Ebony bitches out Ellie for not wanting to use her newspaper as a pro-Bray propaganda machine, but she’s dedicated to being impartial and giving both sides and not pointing out that Moz is a petty little tinpot dictator and bully. She interprets “give both sides” as “treat the truth told by one side as being on an equal footing with the lies told by the other side,” so basically, she’s the US media from 2001-2008.
Also, for some reason, the Mozbians all decide to be Lex’s deputies. Lex does not support a trap. I’m not saying it’s a trap, but my god that’s an obvious trap.
It’s hard for Ellie to convince Moz to give an interview, because Ellie’s willingness to betray her friends is hard to believe. Then Moz decides to rough up Ellie for no clear reason. Ellie is sure to still write a Fair and Balanced article which wins Moz the election. Fortunately, Lex shows up looking for his posse. (Always say these lines aloud. It’s funnier that way).
Ebony tells the Guardian that Ned plans to bust him out to trade him to the kidnappers for Amber and Trudy. As usual, because Ebony is lying, the Guardian believes her.
She orders Ned to take the Guardian to Moz. I think her plan is for the Guardian to kill Moz for her. Or possibly Ned, though I have a hard time seeing what advantage Ebony sees in killing Ned. Well, other than being rid of Ned. Oh. Actually, that is perfectly adequate reason to launch a scheme this complex.
With the Guardian missing, Bray can’t possibly win the election, so Luke suggests Ebony instead, but Ebony doesn’t want it and has to be convinced. Then she has an epileptic fit the third time they offer her the crown. Well, seriously, how does ANYONE not get it at this point?
The Guardian hits Ned with a crowbar, prompting the question: Why did Ned leave a crowbar in the coffin with the Guardian? And, really, this was Ebony’s plan? Really? Wile E. Coyote came up with simpler plans than this.
Stopping only to change his clothes and redo his makeup, the Guardian goes to spring Trudy and Amber.
The Mozbians find Ned’s body and are polite enough to return it to the Mallrats. Lex launches the most ineffectual investigation ever. The thing is, he doesn’t have a pair of sunglasses to dramatically put on.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Guardian unlocks Amber and Trudy’s cell, and is all threatening to them, because though he’s not really catatonic, he’s really nuts, and believes that he needs to kill Trudy to get back in Zoot’s good graces.
Ebony busts in just in time to save them, because Amber and Trudy’s death isn’t really part of the plan. The Guardian body-slams her and runs away.
The democratic election goes for Ebony, despite heavy cheating on both sides and a surprising number of votes for Pat Buchannan.
Out in the wilderness, Jack tries to learn how to fish, and stops some people from roughing up a young girl who turns out to be Chloe. Amber has a nightmare about the Guardian.
Lex catches KC giving paid Guardian tours, and shakes down both KC and his customers for their comically large currency.
For Ebony’s second act as leader, she raids the treasury. (Her first act was to move back into the hotel). She’s working some sort of double-deal with Moz, and keeping Bray distracted.
Tyson gets attacked by the Guardian, but she manages to talk her way out of it by coming back with a posse Brady. Ebony agrees to send a posse to capture him, but independently contracts the Mozzies to assassinate the Guardian ahead of time.
When Chloe comes back, KC falls for her, and May gets all creepy and jealous toward Amber, Chloe, Trudy, maybe even Brady.
Amber shames Pride into going after May. Ebony fucks with Luke’s carefully controlled economy, ordering that Luke increase his cash production, and Luke notices that he’s basically just repeating the same old pattern as with The Chosen.
The Ambush of the Guardian nearly fails, with Ebony’s hired assassin being no more useful than the others.
Luke leaves, Jack stays, The Guardian reveals Ebony’s evil scheme to seize control, but no one believes him quite enough. Ebony sends a distraught Ellie off to visit her sister and tell her that The Guardian confessed to offing her boyfriend. Ellie delivers the message, because for a journalist, she is pretty thick, and it doesn’t occur to her that Ebony just wants Alice to go off in a homicidal rage.
Alice goes to kill the Guardian. Luke talks her down. Then The Guardian uses his super human strength to rough up Luke.
When they find Alice, she claims to have killed the Guardian. Ebony pardons Alice, banishes Bray and Amber, and celebrates her new-found absolute power. The Guardian, however, is sneaking off with Luke, telling him about his vision. When they reach the docks, The Guardian sets Luke free, because there’s a Chosen waiting to take him away. He offers to take Luke with him, restored to his rightful place as a Chosen.
Amber goes into labor outside the city, despite the fact that she’s only been pregnant for about a week.
Ebony toasts her power. There’s only really one thing that could stop her now.
A C4 cargo plane flying over the city.
Piloted by the Cybermen.
Paratroopers descend on the city and announce into their metal facemask microphones that “The invasion taskforce has landed.”

• Leah: I call shennanigans

Episode 31 opens with the Guardian reveling to the noise of chaos outside as his movement collapses into in-fighting and violence. Across town, Amber angsts over the thought of bringing a child into this crapsack world.
Luke agonizes over his past evil, Bray agonizes over the fact that Amber’s seriously considering an abortion, and The Guardian goes full-on-crazy and has a conversation with his paperweight (Probably he’s actually talking to Zoot’s picture on the opposite wall, but the paperweight is in the frame and Zoot’s picture isn’t.), which Leah thinks is a marriage to Tyson, but The Guardian is so crazy by now that it’s hard to make much sense of it.
Ned The Leprechaun and Alice try to tunnel their way out of the mall, and Ned nearly confesses to wanting to jump Alice’s bones.
So Yeah…
Ebony tries to seduce Edward Scissorhands, pointing out how alike they are. He sagely notices that they are in fact not even a little alike.
The next time the Guardian sees Zoot, we’re allowed to see him too. Zoot thanks The Guardian for his hard work, but he will not be requiring his services in this world, and would he please off himself and the rest of the Chosen. The Guardian goes all mua-ha-ha evil and decides to leave this world in a giant world-destroying shindig.
Selene, the poster-child for codependence, laments that Zoot has so often punished her, and refuses Luke’s offer to help her escape. When she finds that Luke isn’t willing to die for Zoot, she immediately loses faith in Zoot, and throws herself at Luke. When Luke shuns her, she either recovers or goes off to do something suicidal. Not sure which yet.
Alice and Ned break through a wall in the sewers, uncovering an open space with a chain link fence beyond it, where it is night time. Strange, mall architecture in New Zealand. Ned tries to escape through the hole, which works as well as it did for Winnie-the-Pooh when he ate all of Rabbit’s honeyhunny.
The Guardian unveils his plan: he’s gonna blow up the mall with himself and the Mallrats inside. He’d let them go free, he says, except that Zoot told him not to.
Which goes to show just how crazy The Guardian is: He actually did have a crazy vision of Zoot. And now. on Zoot’s orders, he’s going to off himself. But in his vision, Zoot didn’t tell him to kill the others. He’s lying about his crazy vision.
The countdown is set at 30 minutes, so we probably only have two or three hours before it goes off.
Alice and Ned decide to be all heroic and hold off the guards so the kids can escape through the tunnel. This fails utterly, and only KC escapes. Luke emerges from hiding and challenges the Guardian for being crazy. He gives an impassioned speech about spreading the word of Zoot and how it’s madness to follow the Guarian, and how everyone should follow the path of Zoot on their own.
The Guardian makes the fairly accurate retort that the reasonable religion that Luke proposes is a pre-virus religion. His argument boils down to “Sure I’m crazy, but our religion is kinda predicated on crazy, which makes me a good fit.”
However, Amber and Trudy show up and try to convince him that he’ll be forgotten in a week if he blows himself up. Tyson is still convinced she can talk sense into him, but, well, she is wrong.
With mere minutes to diffuse the bomb, it seems all hope is lost, because no one is willing to run away. And then, the one person who might be able to talk the Guardian down shows up: Zoot.
(Well, actually it’s Bray wearing his brother’s clothesZoot Suit, but I think they somehow expected that we wouldn’t work this out, as it’s a big cliffhanger)
Incidentally, that was KC’s idea. Now, this is a clever bit of actually setting something up ahead of time, because earlier in the season, KC was running a scam selling Zoot memorabilia.
Tyson asks the crying Guardian for the code to disarm the bomb.

• Ross: Six.
• The Guardian: Six

The full code is 666, obviously, but The Guardian says “660”. Fortunately, no one falls for that. In the aftermath, Ellie tries to smuggle Luke out of town, but he wants to stay and stand trial instead. Bray gives a rousing speech, Lex and his wife make ammends, and Ron Weasley picks up Bray’s discarded Zoot Hat and stares at it creepily transfixed.
Later, Bray has flashbacks to Zoot’s funeral, and has some crazy time over the loss of his brother. He and Amber canoodle until Ebony of all people interrupts because she wants someone assigned to guard the Guardian so that he doesn’t get assassinated before his trial. She doesn’t want him dying in a suboptimally painful and humiliating way.
Tyson goes to the Guardian, because even though she’s made up with Lex, she’s still obsessed with the idea of “fixing” him. Lex shows up, and Ebony has to cold cock him to stop him killing the Guardian.
Alice and Ned sneak off to bonk. Seline sneaks off to jump off the roof. Trudy and Bray fail to talk her down, but Tally brings Brady up to the roof, and Seline decides, I dunno, that she won’t commit suicide in front of a baby.
The next morning, Alice wakes with a deep sense of regret, and some girls wearing fetish gear and bug-eye masks besiege the mall shouting “BRING HIM OUT!”
Amber has to give a speech about the importance of Justice and Not Just Lynching The Guardian, butI think the wind or her makeup is hurting her eyes, because she’s squinting like French Stewart the whole time.
Lex tars and feathers May, and Luke turns himself in, then privately intimates that it’s important he be convicted and executed, as it’s the only way to keep the city from turning on them.
At his trial, Luke confesses, which is good enough for everyone involved except Ellie. Amber finds him guilty and sentences him to freedom (consumed by his own guilt, of course), which pisses off everyone, including Luke, who was sort of hoping to commit suicide-by-angry-mob.
Ellie hugs Luke in relief, which is, of course, when Jack finally makes it back to the mall.
Edward Scissorhands packs up to return to his tribe, who have been called the “Ecos” for some time now, because the writers forgot that they were originally introduced as the “Gaians”
Luke tries giving himself up again, this time to the fetishistsMosquitoes, but Ebony saves him, because she’s convinced he’s just acting repentant, and, um… Well, okay, she does it just to be contrary.
The Mallrats hold a rededication ceremony, but Amber is busy whoring herself up when she’s attacked by someone in a trenchcoat.
Bray waits until the kidnapper has made off with Amber and Trudy — until this single attacker who is obviously also a child manages to slip out unnoticed with two women — when he decides he’s waited exactly long enough and goes to not find them. Everyone goes off searching, but most of them end up making out instead.
Lex catches KC leading the Weasleys in hiding some food, and he yells at him for being an incorrigible scam artist, and today Lex has decided not to be antisocial. “When will you learn to think about others?” Lex demands. Leah answers, “When he grows up and becomes a power ranger.”
Eventually Ned finds a ransom note, saying that Trudy and Amber will be released only if they hand over the guardian. Unfortunately, it’s unsigned, so they have no idea to whom they ought to hand him, but the fetishistsMosquitoes are the only other tribe they’ve bothered naming, so they’ll probably assume it’s them.
Which they do, but it’s not them. They find a second note giving a meeting place, and requesting “No Trix”, which either means that the kidnappers are illiterate or it’s a clue that they’re adults (Trix are for kids).
Bray totally decides to sell the Guardian up the river, but he’s conflicted because he knows Amber is going to dump him for abandoning their principles.
Ellie has an awkward date with Jack, then rushes off to profess her love for Luke.
Alice beds Ned again, and discovers that Ned has been chewing the same piece of gum since before the fall of civilization. Sigh. Gum does not work that way. (Seriously. Alice points out that it must have lost its flavor. Screw its flavor, the latex should have broken down by now).
Bray’s conscience wins, and he decides to try to pull a fast one on the kidnappers. Jack laments his breakup.
Ron Weasley steals The Guardian’s ring, but as he does, The Guardian seizes him and threatens him. Fortunately, no one believes him that the guardian isn’t quite as crazy as he seems. The kidnapper fails to show, which is because it turns out that it’s Ned.
Yes, Ned. Alice’s Boyfriend Ned. Ned the Only Person Who Was Alone When it Happened. Ned The Guy Who Wears a trenchcoat. Ned who freaked out when Bray announced his plan to not hand the Guardian over. Ned the guy who’s illiterate. Ned who hates that rabbit with the breakfast cereal. Ned who — well huh. I guess it’s actually entirely obvious when you put it that way…

The Gaians and Lex capture May as she hands out leaflets on the resistance, which she cooked up with the Guardian to lure him out of hiding, and they concoct a clever plan to snatch Trudy. which is really a clever plan to snatch Bray. but Bray doesn’t know that.
Dal shows up at the last minute before the ambush, having decided to do one last act of active violence before settling down and being the farmer he’s always wanted to be. He goes off alone to play his important role in the fight.
This. Can’t. End. Well.
About ten seconds later, Dal runs into the army of the Chosen. May doesn’t know this, so she gives the signal for Bray and the others to come ambush them. Dal shows up just in time to warn Bray and Amber off before they get ambushed, but then falls to his death when he tries to escape by climbing over a railing and then… Um, well, falling I guess.
Amber doubles back to find him, taking advantage of the Chosen’s lack of peripheral vision (It’s the hoods, Leah reminds me). When she finds him, she shouts his name, which Leah thinks is a dumb idea with the Chosen around. I remind her that the Chosen have amply demonstrated that they can’t hear you unless you address them directly.
After a few dramatic mutterings, Dal shuffles off this mortal coil, whcih would be a lot more touching if he hadn’t buggered off mid-season last year to run the farm instead of being part of the powerful Jack-Dal dynamic.
Amber breaks up after they bury Dal. She talks about their past, when they were neighbors, “He was younger of course, but you wouldn’t know that,” aside from the fact that he’s two feet shorter than the rest of the cast. She also decides to sidestep the whole question of whether she’s going to stay with Edward Scissorhands (who Ebony is close to convincing to murder Bray) or go back to Bray by deciding to bugger off to raise an army.
Fortunately, Edward Scissorhands is noble and stuff, so he definitively steps aside, leaving Bray and Amber to do the whole sex thing, after which Bray swears to someday find Katy Perry so he can tell her it’s over, which he thinks she’ll be okay with, because deep down she always knew he liked Amber better. Which kinda makes Bray look like a lech given just how much sex he was having with her.
Bray falls immediately into a funk when Amber decides to leave anyway, as raising an army is still a good idea. He is roused only long enough to change his face makeup.
Cloey’s career in espionage ends off-screen with her capture and deportation to the spice mines on Rurapenthe, as related to us by Trudy while she’s being passive-aggressive to May. Later, Trudy marries Patsy to Zoot in a creepy ceremony. May enthuisiastically rats Trudy out for being all creepy and weird while relating the story of her conversion. This is important, because if they ever try to convince us that May was never really into the Chosen and this was all an act, it is going to be a gigantic load of bullshit.
When he brings The Guardian some anti-Chosen leaflets and the Guardian gets all weird and babbles about the glory of being hated, Sideshow Luke Perry starts to cotton on to the fact that the Guardian just might be making this shit up as he goes along, and is just a little nutty.
Trudy goes to throw herself at the Guardian, failing to notice that they’ve both got new Sci-Fi clothes and hairstyles, but he freaks out and shoves her.
Ellie makes another flier, this one says “Say no to Shavery” because she can’t spell or maybe because Brazillian Waxes aren’t available in the post-apocalypse. (None of the men on this show have ever had even a hint of stubble, though. Just saying.)
Rejection sends Trudy spiraling further into madness, and I think they missed a good opportunity to work cutting into the laundry list of dysfunctions the gang exhibits.
Alice and Ellie confront Tyson about her little meetings with the Guardian, and they insist that it’s to her to prove that she’s not a traitor. Leah and Tyson point out that the Mallrats are seriously lacking in the Trust department, which will be exemplified later when Ryan freaks out and thinks Selene is trying to recruit him over to the Chosen and storms off. Selene is sad, because she’s one recruit away from earning the toaster oven.
Tired of Trudy’s shennanigans, The Guardian thinks long and hard about what to do with her, by which I mean, he thinks long and hard about how to justify offing her. He eventually decides that Zoot wants her to join him. Fortunately for no one in particular, Lex was in the midst of a booty call when the announcement was made, so he will be able to report this. Good thing Lex is such a stand-up guy.
The Guardian plans to hold a big public execution to show everyone what happens to those who defy him the highest honor Zoot can bestow on one of his loyal followers. And he wants all the representatives of the former tribes and all the Mallrats, and everyone who wishes them any ill-wil and everyone the resistance might want to rescue all together in one big open indefensible public place. Sideshow Luke Perry continues to be bugged by the transparency of the Guardian’s evilness.
Ryan finally grows a pair and tells his wife that she’s got to choose between him and The Chosen. Everyone spends a sleepless night having Trudy flashbacks, except for Lex, who always sleeps through flashbacks. Even Luke plots mutiny, having decided that The Guardian is being too rash, and he’s got to keep Trudy alive until he calms down.
By the way, there are two burning cars outside the Gaian hideout, while outside the mall, the Chosen have Mad Max’s car. Just sayin.
Once Trudy is locked up, KC creates a distraction by claiming to have seen Zoot, bodily ressurected, and the Chosen all run off to see. It would be awesome if every time someone claimed to see Zoot, the Chosen totally bought it. Trudy escapes, but Luke makes her leave Brady behind.
Three seconds later, Ellie throws off her Trudy costume and leaves the cage, making it unclear why she’d have gotten in in the first place. May totally sells out KC in order to be appointed Brady’s permanent nurse, despite the fact that she hates caretaking.
KC fesses up to having seen The Mighty Zoot, but claims that it was a for-real vision. The Guardian challenges him to describe Zoot, and KC does to a tee. Of course, since there’s posters of Zoot on every wall, this is not a tremendous surprise. After the Guardian has had him hauled off, he notices that the teacup was made by the Zoot China Company of Portland.
Bray sends Trudy off with Edward Scissorhands to see Amber, and Sideshow Luke Perry gently nudges the Guardian into deciding that KC had a vision of Zoot because he happened to be in the right place at the right time, and not because KC was in any way special, and the Guardian reaches the conclusion that Zoot appeared to warn the Chosen that Trudy was about to escape. This is because the Guardian isn’t quite unhinged, but he’s certainly sub-optimally hinged. As evidenced by the fact that The Guardian declares KC an Oracle, and then gives him a creepy backrub.
Commercialsign in 5… 4… 3… 2…
The wacky adventures of Mentos the Freshmaker, and a foray into the world of Power Rangers RPM, the eighteenth season of the show you were just surprised to discover is still on…
I like shows with giant robots, okay. So I do watch Power Rangers from time to time. This season is set in a post apocalyptic wasteland where most of the human race has been wiped out by an insane AI and its squadrons of killer robots, including some which look exactly like humans.
No, really.
I swear I’m not making this up.
Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that John Connor — irm, Flynn, the current blue ranger, is none other than Ari Boyland, little KC, all grown up and with a ridiculous overblown Scottish accent.
1… 2…. 3… 4… 5….
May misplaces Brady because she’s useless. Lex bitches Trudy out for sending Trudy off with Edward Scissorhands. Ellie throws herself at Sideshow Luke Perry in order to get some insider information. The Guardian, being crazy, decides that Ranger Blue’s latest vision means that the Chosen should take all the babies and care for them personally. Ryan shouts over the crowd for Selene not to fess up to being With Child, which you’d think would be a dead giveaway, but remember the immutable laws of this world:

• Any car, once ignited, will continue to burn indefinitely
• Ebony is always believed unless she’s telling the truth
• Lex Luthor is no good in a fight
• Viruses mutate, just like computer viruses.
• The Chosen can not hear any dialogue, no matter how loud, unless they are being addressed directly.

So, Selene gives herself up anyway, because she’s basically half-brainwashed.
Edward Scissorhands isn’t back yet, because he stopped along three way to help some kids, who I will call Hansel and Grettle, and their older brother, a leprechaun, captures him and makes him their pack animal. The Weasley family (they’re all redheads) are a bunch of grifters who take Edward Scissorhands about ten minutes to set at each other’s throats.
Meanwhile, Ryan starts a fight and Luke has to bail him out, and Lex Luthor, who is all torn up about the absence of his wife, tries to seduce Ebony.
As the Guardian becomes more and more crazy, he calls for Tyson, to whom he talks about how depraved and evil Trudy was for throwing herself at him — of course, Tyson responds by showing him how to rationalize sex into his notion of “purity”, which causes him to nearly grope her, then to freak out and call for his guards.
Selene has second thoughts upon finding out that Zoot’s her new baby-daddy. She relates how hard it is to be without a dad, because her dad left when she was — WHAT THE FRAK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE WITHOUT A FATHER!
May decides to leave the Chosen because the writers have changed their mind about her being an unlovable character. Patsy, by the way, has been carted off to the spice mines or something. I don’t remember this happening, it’s possible that it happened some time ago, and her appearance when May was looking for Brady was an anomaly. It’s also possible that Leah and I missed an episode or something.
Ellie and Sideshow Luke Perry have a heart to heart about their respective political philosophies, and Ellie totally falls in love with him.
Ryan blows his top when he finds out that part of the Guardian’s master plan is that the fathers will never get to see their children, getting so angry that he sounds Scottish for a moment, which prompted Leah to point out that the future-KC, in his life as a Power Ranger, will look (and, for that matter, move) like Ryan. Seriously. Present-Ryan and Future-KC could be brothers.
Poor Ryan. He stages an incredible action sequence in which he tries to assassinate the Guardian. He fails, though it’s a close thing.
As he’s being drug off, he bizarrely shouts, “I’ll be seeing you!” I suppose that quoting The Prisoner is as good a way as any to end one’s tenure on the series, because Wikipedia informs me that this is the last we’ll ever see of Ryan.
You will be missed. Dumbass.