“Alpha”

An unattributed list of how I think about various media figures who believe themselves qualified to pass judgment on what it takes to be manly and expect me to follow their advice lest I will be considered no-true-man:

• Twink Lumberjack
• Ventriloquist’s Dummy who needs to claim 3 more human souls to become a real boy
• Literal sack of bees
• Real estate developer who’s going to bulldoze the goondocks at noon
• Satan from that weird Mexican Santa Claus movie has really let himself go
• A penis which, despite being the size of a man, still seems really, really small
• The dude who stole Pee-Wee’s bike
• Pillsbury Dough-Bigot
• Ripped Lex Luthor, the only person on this list where I can actually understand why people listen to him even though he’s a monster.

I’m not going to say who’s who, so if you are upset about how I’ve described your favorite manosphere figure, just assume I’m talking about some other twink lumberjack.