Normally this time of year, I remind everyone to celebrate the historical figure named Columbus who is credited with discovering something on account of being the first European man to notice, despite the fact that the locals had been well aware of it forever: Renaldus Columbus, “discoverer” of the clitoris.
But this year, I’m going to try something else…
Just, uh, one thing, sir. Now, you said that you discovered this whole continent. And I’ve been going around and around in my head. Now my wife, she says I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s these little inconsistencies, sir. They drive me crazy. Because you said that you discovered this continent in 1492, but now I’m hearing that there’s this group of indigenous peoples who came over on the land bridge, ten thousand years ago. Now what do you think about that, sir? How can you discover a continent in 1492 when there’s already been people there for ten thousand years? It just doesn’t add up, sir.
And speaking of not adding up. You said that you thought you were in India, because everyone else believed the world was flat. But sir, the circumference of the Earth was determined by Eratosthenes of Alexandria to be 25,000 miles. And okay, sure, he was off by a little bit, but sir, but for you to have thought you were in India, you would have had to believe the circumference of the Earth was only 16,000 miles. That’s got me scratching my head, sir. You’re an educated man, but you under-estimated the size of the Earth by a third, two thousand years after Eratosthenes? Now me, I get lost going across town to Joe’s Diner. You ever been to Joe’s? They make a bowl of chili, you’ve got to- but never mind. I’m just saying that I get lost. But I don’t get ten thousand miles lost. And you, sir, you’d been sailing since you were what, ten? And you expect me to believe you missed India by ten thousand miles and didn’t notice?
I don’t believe it sir. I think you were working a scam, sir. Because I called around to all the courts of Europe. And I found out they’d all heard from you and your crazy plan to “Go East by going West.” And they all told you to take a hike, because everyone in the Age of Exploration business knows that if the Earth is 25,000 miles around, the only way you could survive the western route to India would be if there was a continent in the middle where you could resupply. I believe you saw that there was a new king and queen in Spain, eager to make a name for themselves, so you went to them, and you told them the same cockamamie story you told all the other royal houses of Europe, and you cut a third off the size of the Earth to make it sound legitimate, and you planned to take the money and run. But you got caught, didn’t you, sir. You got caught with your three ships out in the middle of the Atlantic on a voyage you couldn’t possibly survive, except that you just happened to get lucky and find this continent, sir. And so to cover up the scam, you told everyone that you’d “discovered” it, and you launched a campaign of colonization and genocide lasting for centuries. Isn’t that correct, sir?
Happy Columbo’s Day.