I don’t know about you, but I thought the most impressive moment of Saturday’s debate was when the republican presidential candidates all agreed to remove their human masks and reveal their true faces underneath.
It all started when Marco Rubio suffered from a system glitch that caused him to just repeat the same sentence over and over. By way of explanation, he unexpectedly peeled off his skin to reveal himself as a robot, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Not to be outdone, Ted Cruz immediately removed his own face, showing the audience that he was, in fact, a lizard person. Experts believe this bold move may help him in the New Hampshire primary, as the revelation was met with optimism from the crowd. Said one audience member, “He always seemed like such an asshole when I thought he was human. But as lizards go, he’s actually kind of warm and personable, relatively speaking.”
Less-well received was Governor Jeb Bush’s desperate attempt to claim some of the spotlight by shedding his skin. The move backfired when the audience discovered Bush to be literally empty inside, his thin, pinkish outer layer concealing only a void. Dr. Ben Carson was the next to doff his human disguise, shocking the audience, who had not anticipated that he would turn out to be a tall stack of cats wearing a suit. After the debate, a Carson campaign staffer commented, “We’re as surprised as everyone. I think we’d all assumed that Dr. Carson’s true form would be a man-shaped Jello mold. But it kinda makes sense when you really think about it.”
It had been widely speculated before the debate that should Donald Trump ever remove his human facade, he would be revealed as an eldritch horror, more hair than man, and that the very sight of his true form would drive all who gazed upon it irretrievably mad. His comments in the debate advocating torture did little to quiet these suspicions. Everyone was greatly relieved, therefore, when he removed his own face, revealing only another, slightly smaller Donald Trump underneath.
The most surprising move of the evening, however, came from Governor Chris Christie. The New Jersey governor removed his mask and fat-suit, showing his true form to be Old Man Withers, owner of the haunted Atlantic City amusement park, who had engineered the entire presidential campaign as a distraction to a complicated insurance scam in the wake of Superstorm Sandy. The Christie campaign released a statement post-debate explaining that Governor Christie, “Would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those snooping kids.”
Governor John Kasich of Ohio was reportedly “disappointed” that no one noticed his own revelation. Cameras did not catch Kasich’s unmasking, on account of none of them were pointed at him.
Political commentators are eagerly awaiting this Thursday’s Democratic debate, to see if the candidates will attempt to match their GOP rivals. There is widespread speculation that Hillary Clinton will reveal herself to be some sort of amorphous darkness. Experts are divided over whether Senator Sanders will turn out to be the anthropomorphic embodiment of the denied and deferred hopes and dreams of the younger generation, or just Justin Bieber in old-age makeup, shamelessly trying to illegally seize the presidency for Canada.