Episode 31 opens with the Guardian reveling to the noise of chaos outside as his movement collapses into in-fighting and violence. Across town, Amber angsts over the thought of bringing a child into this crapsack world.
Luke agonizes over his past evil, Bray agonizes over the fact that Amber’s seriously considering an abortion, and The Guardian goes full-on-crazy and has a conversation with his paperweight (Probably he’s actually talking to Zoot’s picture on the opposite wall, but the paperweight is in the frame and Zoot’s picture isn’t.), which Leah thinks is a marriage to Tyson, but The Guardian is so crazy by now that it’s hard to make much sense of it.
Ned The Leprechaun and Alice try to tunnel their way out of the mall, and Ned nearly confesses to wanting to jump Alice’s bones.
So Yeah…
Ebony tries to seduce Edward Scissorhands, pointing out how alike they are. He sagely notices that they are in fact not even a little alike.
The next time the Guardian sees Zoot, we’re allowed to see him too. Zoot thanks The Guardian for his hard work, but he will not be requiring his services in this world, and would he please off himself and the rest of the Chosen. The Guardian goes all mua-ha-ha evil and decides to leave this world in a giant world-destroying shindig.
Selene, the poster-child for codependence, laments that Zoot has so often punished her, and refuses Luke’s offer to help her escape. When she finds that Luke isn’t willing to die for Zoot, she immediately loses faith in Zoot, and throws herself at Luke. When Luke shuns her, she either recovers or goes off to do something suicidal. Not sure which yet.
Alice and Ned break through a wall in the sewers, uncovering an open space with a chain link fence beyond it, where it is night time. Strange, mall architecture in New Zealand. Ned tries to escape through the hole, which works as well as it did for Winnie-the-Pooh when he ate all of Rabbit’s honeyhunny.
The Guardian unveils his plan: he’s gonna blow up the mall with himself and the Mallrats inside. He’d let them go free, he says, except that Zoot told him not to.
Which goes to show just how crazy The Guardian is: He actually did have a crazy vision of Zoot. And now. on Zoot’s orders, he’s going to off himself. But in his vision, Zoot didn’t tell him to kill the others. He’s lying about his crazy vision.
The countdown is set at 30 minutes, so we probably only have two or three hours before it goes off.
Alice and Ned decide to be all heroic and hold off the guards so the kids can escape through the tunnel. This fails utterly, and only KC escapes. Luke emerges from hiding and challenges the Guardian for being crazy. He gives an impassioned speech about spreading the word of Zoot and how it’s madness to follow the Guarian, and how everyone should follow the path of Zoot on their own.
The Guardian makes the fairly accurate retort that the reasonable religion that Luke proposes is a pre-virus religion. His argument boils down to “Sure I’m crazy, but our religion is kinda predicated on crazy, which makes me a good fit.”
However, Amber and Trudy show up and try to convince him that he’ll be forgotten in a week if he blows himself up. Tyson is still convinced she can talk sense into him, but, well, she is wrong.
With mere minutes to diffuse the bomb, it seems all hope is lost, because no one is willing to run away. And then, the one person who might be able to talk the Guardian down shows up: Zoot.
(Well, actually it’s Bray wearing his brother’s clothesZoot Suit, but I think they somehow expected that we wouldn’t work this out, as it’s a big cliffhanger)
Incidentally, that was KC’s idea. Now, this is a clever bit of actually setting something up ahead of time, because earlier in the season, KC was running a scam selling Zoot memorabilia.
Tyson asks the crying Guardian for the code to disarm the bomb.
- Ross: Six.
- The Guardian: Six
The full code is 666, obviously, but The Guardian says “660”. Fortunately, no one falls for that. In the aftermath, Ellie tries to smuggle Luke out of town, but he wants to stay and stand trial instead. Bray gives a rousing speech, Lex and his wife make ammends, and Ron Weasley picks up Bray’s discarded Zoot Hat and stares at it creepily transfixed.
Later, Bray has flashbacks to Zoot’s funeral, and has some crazy time over the loss of his brother. He and Amber canoodle until Ebony of all people interrupts because she wants someone assigned to guard the Guardian so that he doesn’t get assassinated before his trial. She doesn’t want him dying in a suboptimally painful and humiliating way.
Tyson goes to the Guardian, because even though she’s made up with Lex, she’s still obsessed with the idea of “fixing” him. Lex shows up, and Ebony has to cold cock him to stop him killing the Guardian.
Alice and Ned sneak off to bonk. Seline sneaks off to jump off the roof. Trudy and Bray fail to talk her down, but Tally brings Brady up to the roof, and Seline decides, I dunno, that she won’t commit suicide in front of a baby.
The next morning, Alice wakes with a deep sense of regret, and some girls wearing fetish gear and bug-eye masks besiege the mall shouting “BRING HIM OUT!”
Amber has to give a speech about the importance of Justice and Not Just Lynching The Guardian, butI think the wind or her makeup is hurting her eyes, because she’s squinting like French Stewart the whole time.
Lex tars and feathers May, and Luke turns himself in, then privately intimates that it’s important he be convicted and executed, as it’s the only way to keep the city from turning on them.
At his trial, Luke confesses, which is good enough for everyone involved except Ellie. Amber finds him guilty and sentences him to freedom (consumed by his own guilt, of course), which pisses off everyone, including Luke, who was sort of hoping to commit suicide-by-angry-mob.
Ellie hugs Luke in relief, which is, of course, when Jack finally makes it back to the mall.
Edward Scissorhands packs up to return to his tribe, who have been called the “Ecos” for some time now, because the writers forgot that they were originally introduced as the “Gaians”
Luke tries giving himself up again, this time to the fetishistsMosquitoes, but Ebony saves him, because she’s convinced he’s just acting repentant, and, um… Well, okay, she does it just to be contrary.
The Mallrats hold a rededication ceremony, but Amber is busy whoring herself up when she’s attacked by someone in a trenchcoat.
Bray waits until the kidnapper has made off with Amber and Trudy — until this single attacker who is obviously also a child manages to slip out unnoticed with two women — when he decides he’s waited exactly long enough and goes to not find them. Everyone goes off searching, but most of them end up making out instead.
Lex catches KC leading the Weasleys in hiding some food, and he yells at him for being an incorrigible scam artist, and today Lex has decided not to be antisocial. “When will you learn to think about others?” Lex demands. Leah answers, “When he grows up and becomes a power ranger.”
Eventually Ned finds a ransom note, saying that Trudy and Amber will be released only if they hand over the guardian. Unfortunately, it’s unsigned, so they have no idea to whom they ought to hand him, but the fetishistsMosquitoes are the only other tribe they’ve bothered naming, so they’ll probably assume it’s them.
Which they do, but it’s not them. They find a second note giving a meeting place, and requesting “No Trix”, which either means that the kidnappers are illiterate or it’s a clue that they’re adults (Trix are for kids).
Bray totally decides to sell the Guardian up the river, but he’s conflicted because he knows Amber is going to dump him for abandoning their principles.
Ellie has an awkward date with Jack, then rushes off to profess her love for Luke.
Alice beds Ned again, and discovers that Ned has been chewing the same piece of gum since before the fall of civilization. Sigh. Gum does not work that way. (Seriously. Alice points out that it must have lost its flavor. Screw its flavor, the latex should have broken down by now).
Bray’s conscience wins, and he decides to try to pull a fast one on the kidnappers. Jack laments his breakup.
Ron Weasley steals The Guardian’s ring, but as he does, The Guardian seizes him and threatens him. Fortunately, no one believes him that the guardian isn’t quite as crazy as he seems. The kidnapper fails to show, which is because it turns out that it’s Ned.
Yes, Ned. Alice’s Boyfriend Ned. Ned the Only Person Who Was Alone When it Happened. Ned The Guy Who Wears a trenchcoat. Ned who freaked out when Bray announced his plan to not hand the Guardian over. Ned the guy who’s illiterate. Ned who hates that rabbit with the breakfast cereal. Ned who — well huh. I guess it’s actually entirely obvious when you put it that way…