Old News

Cultists disrupt traditional values

Judea, AD 1 // Visiting foreign dignitaries caused some controversy this weekend in a meeting with King Herod. Three visiting kings, who have asked to remain anonymous, claimed that an infant child born recently in Bethlehem is the true king of the Jews. When questioned about the purpose of their visit, the dignitaries explained, “We three kings of orient are. Bearing gifts, we come from afar.” Sources close to the administration report that King Herod has dismissed the kings as “A bunch of Wise Guys.” The infant, Jesus of Nazareth, has already gained a strong grassroots following, particularly among members of area livestock unions, who claim the child is the son of God and the fulfilment of ancient prophesy. The Roman governor could not be reached for comment, but is allegedly “very concerned” that this new cult may be developing “Weapons of Divine Wrath-related program activities.” The parents of the child have thus far refused to allow Herod’s Messiah Inspection Teams access to the child, further fueling fears about their intentions, and speculation about possible links to other radical religious groups in the region, including the sect led by John The Baptist, whose whereabouts are still unknown despite massive search efforts throughout the holy lands. But the emerging cult, who have taken to calling themselves “Jesus Freaks”, claim to be committed to total pacifism, and are interested in nothing more than giving each other gifts in honor of their leader’s birth. However, not everyone considers their message of peace to be quite so harmless. Well known political commentator Punditus Maximus has written a series of scathing scrolls in which he accuses the cult members of engaging in activities incompatable with traditional Roman family values. In his most recent work, “They do WHAT to their penises?”, he claims that their decision to celebrate the birth of Jesus in December is a shameless attempt to undermine Roman tradition. Accusing the cultists of waging a “War on Saturnalia,” he calls for a wide-scale boycott of any store where shopworkers use the new greeting “Happy Holy Day,” in place of the traditional, “Lo, Saturnalia.” Boycott is, of course, a Gallic word meaning “To feed to lions.” In what may be a related story, King Herod has denied rumors that there are any plans for a “slaughter of innocents” and suggests that parents of infant boys contact their local magistrates for important information related to a new anti-terrorism program known as “No Child Left Alive”.

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[DISCLAIMER: The story you have just read is made up. Any similarities to real events are totally… Well, okay, they’re all intentional. But they’re just here for the sake of making a joke. If anything sounds suspiciously parallel to actual news stories, that’s just because I thought it was funnier that way. Fuck em if they can’t take a joke]